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5-Hydroxytryptophan
Every now and then I go off my 5-htp. I don't know how long I have been taking it. Probably over a decade, off and on. Mostly on. When I went on anti-depressants, of course I had to stop taking it. “Serotonin Syndrome” and all that.
I get sick of taking pills every day. I hate being on medication, even if it's herbal and self-prescribed. So every now and then I stop taking it. This time, I ran out, and decided it would be better to buy some cashews, almonds, and walnuts than my 6 month supply of 5-htp. Money is very tight. I always use that as an excuse to go off pills. But they are actually pretty cheap.
And it's always a mistake to stop taking 5-htp. I always feel weird. I feel on the verge of both hypermania and deep depression. A “mixed episode” they call it.
So I went online and priority mailed myself the 180 count veggie caps of Doctor's Best brand 5-htp. I have tried many different brands over the years. This one works the best.
In fact, it works amazing. And for some reason, that upsets me. It reminds me that I have a chemical imbalance. That my brain isn't “right” and the only way I can be even close to high functioning is to dope myself up.
And I know I am really hard on myself. It's just a reaction to everyone else in the world being hard on me. All the time. For everything.
Only now I realize that is a perception of the past. Nowadays, I might as well not exist. No one thinks of me unless I am right in front of them. I could very well be invisible. I could fade in and out of this reality and no one would ever know.
I started taking 5-htp for major depression. In many (most) European countries, this herbal extract is prescribed under brand names and listed as a legit treatment for major depression. Here, of course, it's a different story. In the good ol' US of A, herbs are not approved treatment for ANYTYHING. The US Government says that herbs do not work. That's changing slightly with marijuana, but they are trying to turn that herb into just another big pharma extract or pill.
5-htp does help with depression. It helps to maintain. That's how it works best. It helps with lot of things, though. I think I don't need it and then I go off it and I remember how I feel without it and it's much worse. The worst part is the sleeping.
I fall to sleep without it. That part where you lay in bed waiting for unconsciousness to take you. You fall somewhere, but you don't know how you're falling or where you're falling to. It's agonizing.
When I take 5-htp, I do so about half an hour before bed. In about half an hour, my eyelids are heavy, my body is warm and comfortable, and most of the time, I realize I'm almost to REM sleep already. I get into bed, take my herbal prescription, and most of the time I don't wake up until morning. I have dreams every night. Vivid, intense dreams. I don't fall anywhere. I drift slowly. It's like someone carefully pulls down a theater curtain at the end of a show, and the day disappears and I rest and I wake up knowing where I am and who I am and it's great. It's not a heavy drug sleep. It's easy to wake up and get on with the day. It's just great. Great.
When I don't take 5-htp I wake up every few hours all night long. I usually reach REM sleep, but the dreams are fuzzy and unimportant and somehow far away. I wake up easily and often. I never feel rested. Often when I wake up I don't know if I am actually awake or still dreaming. Then for the rest of the day I don't know if anything is real and it can be terrifying.
Without 5-htp I hallucinate often. I think I see things out of the corners of my eyes. People. Shapes. The colors of everything are wrong. The outlines of everything are too well defined and sharp and yet have no true shape of their own. I get extremely agoraphobic. I leave the house only when I have to work. I have very little appetite and have to force feed myself, otherwise I get weak from lack of nutrition. My muscles tense and flex for no reason. I get horrible headaches. I get brain zaps. I get angry extremely easily.
I realize some of this is obviously withdrawal symptoms. Been on enough medication to know that when you come off something. Anything. You're gonna feel weird. The longer you take something, the worse the withdrawal is. If you drink coffee every day for ten years, and then stop, you think you're not going to get the headaches and irritability and sluggishness?
And that's part of why I take myself off 5-htp every now and then. Somehow I think it's time to just get it over with and live without it. But then I can't maintain and I go back on it.
Am I addicted, or does this just really help me maintain my semi-high functioning lifestyle? Taking an herbal supplement every day for the rest of your life can't be as bad as taking big pharma pills every day. Right?
I should be content that an OTC herbal supplement can help me feel so much better, probably. I get little to no side effects. I get solid enviable sleep every single night. I hear less voices. I see less things that “aren't there.” My mood is more stable. I get a predictable and stable appetite. I rarely get headaches.
So, that's been my week. Riding out these 5-htp withdrawals and waiting for the mailman named Brian to bring me my pills.
Bottom line, I hate how I feel when I don't take 100 mg of 5-htp before bed.
In the morning I wake up and pop my birth control pill. Then I go to the kitchen, drink lemon juice and cayenne and wash it down with an acidophilus and about 16 oz of water. After breakfast I take a turmeric extract and (now) a cranberry extract with vitamin C, and a Vegan chelated iron with B-12.
Most days I smoke at least one bowl (after dinner usually) and drink about 64 oz of water. People always have gotten on my case about how much water I drink, but I don't drink much else. No pop. Occasionally juice or tea. Sure as fuck no “energy” drinks.
Then I go about my day. Before bed I take another acidophilus and the 5-htp. And I drift to sleep with wicked wild dreams and wake up and do it all over again.
12:32 PM - Monday, Dec. 12, 2016
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