----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- more bs I made an appointment with a new therapist way out in a suburb. I've tried the ones within walking distance, and it's been a huge failure. At the hospital, they won't let you have therapy unless you also have psychiatry, so that rules me out. I tried to see a shrink there, not long after I moved here, but the shithead told me that I couldn't possibly have Bipolar disorder because I had been without medication for 5+ years and yet I hadn't been hospitalized. That is the most asinine, simplistic, RETARDED piece of reasoning I've ever heard from a mental health "professional". Then he kept yelling at me, "What drugs do you want, what drugs do you want?" Over and over...and I just sad there, scared, overwhelmed and totally at a loss. Shouldn't the doctor be telling ME what he thinks I should be on? I made it home but then I broke down crying for about 5 hours. He was the world's biggest asshole. I called and complained the next day to admin, and they said they would let me come in and see someone else. Normally, they just make you stick with whatever doctor you get assigned to. But I was so traumatized, I never wanted to go back. I tried to go to that hospital for my annual check up, and the nurse was so incompetent about taking my blood she couldn't find my vein and I had a needle sticking out of my arm while I was flopping around the room freaking out. I may have over reacted, but I don't do needles well, and having been poked and poked and poked already, her leaving the needle dangling out of my skin while the turned around to do something made me flip out. So then I was able to get in with just a social worker at the other clinic that's within walking distance, and well...she's the one that told me she didn't want to hear about my life. So, now I'm trying this place waaaaayyyy out in Ankeny, a suburb. But they are all in the suburbs. This whole town is just one suburb after another. And I hate it. I really hate it. I'm beginning to consider trying to get a car. At least then I could drive somewhere nice to go hiking. As unrealistic as that is. But I wonder if it wouldn't be worth it. I don't know. Until we get more credit debt paid down, I'm not going to let myself seriously consider that option. The receptionist at this new place asked me how to spell Des Moines, though, so that was disheartening. But, she's not anything but an appointment scheduler, so it shouldn't matter too much. She said she's not from this area. Made me think I was talking to someone in another state or something. Am I getting involved in some Mc Health Franchise? Does it really matter? It's all bullshit anyway. They take my insurance, so at least I shouldn't have to pay anything. I do not have a co-pay for mental health services. I will go in for one session in person, which is probably a mistake because I'm going to have to take an Uber or a cab, and it's not going to be cheap. I don't think the bus goes out there, but I have time, I should double check. But I feel like I need to meet this person in real life at least once. Then, as long as I can get along with this therapist, I planned on doing "telehealth" sessions. I've never used a video option on my computer before, I'm going to need my brother have to help me how to figure that out. Or, I might be able to use the family cell phone. Either way, this is a huge deal for me. This is me overcoming some seriously ingrained issues. I have a definite "delusion" about conversing this way. Normally I have the camera on my laptop covered with a sticker and have the mic option muted at all times. I make my husband hide the cell phone because even if it is off, I worry that THEY will be spying on us through the camera. Maybe it's paranoia, or maybe it's justified, but I get extremely anxious about the technology. I'm not too thrilled about the lack of security doing therapy over the videos like this. Although it's funny in a sick way to think of the government or aliens or even just an experienced hacker listening/ watching me have therapy. Everyone does this sort of communication all day every day, they just accept it as normal and safe and OK. I don't. I really don't. Most people are ignorant or just stupid. But I acknowledge that I am going to have to assimilate to exist in this tech driven, tech obsessed, tech OWNED society. At least a little. I can't afford a ride out to Ankeny every month. And I can't afford to pay out of pocket for places like online therapy through Better Health Inc. or whatever. Or a private practice therapist, either. There is one within walking distance but he makes a huge point that he does not accept Medicare. He obviously does not want to deal with old or disabled or poor people, so he's an asshole. I really need less assholes in my life. Not more. I would be OK just continuing to manage the symptoms of my mental illnesses on my own, but THEY will kick me off disability. And if I had to rejoin the work force, I think I wouldn't be able to manage my symptoms. I think I would probably end up in prison, or a mental hospital. I found a Korean study that claims they found the "cause" of Bipolar disorder and possibly Schizophrenia. They claim that it is a protein deficiency, which causes synapses to not connect properly. It's a defect, not something that can be cured by diet. However, people swear that the Keto diet can help alleviate symptoms of both Bipolar and Schizophrenia. I'm not sure how one can be a vegetarian and also be on a Keto diet. I don't think it's possible, and I'm not sure if chomping down on animals will help my mental health. I already feel so guilty that I'm still eating dairy. I've been vego for about 30 years. I already have compromised my values so much...it's a slippery slope. I find this very interesting. I don't see how medication can help with these disorders, if this protein issue IS the cause behind them. At least, not the medications currently used now. And I find it interesting, because my physical defect (Ectodermal Dysplasia) is also a protein deficiency. That can't be cured by anything. Although I do notice when I eat well, the symptoms of that, in general, are better. But I really am sick of feeling like Big Pharma's guinea pig. One medication after another, not helping or making things worse. Giving me physical illness in exchange for mental illness. Or worse, just making me sick AND not helping with mental symptoms. I still have to go to the Dentist on Tuesday. I'm beginning to rethink that, only my teeth are falling apart and I have to do it sometime. Just one appointment after another, week after week having to leave the house and deal with people poking me, sticking their fingers in my mouth, squishing my brain. I'm going to be totally wiped out. I'm not sure how well I'm going to handle the rest of this month. But I'm going to try my best. That's not usually so great, but it's all I can do. 12:30 PM - Saturday, Oct. 12, 2024 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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