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spoonfed
Saying things like
It's ok to drink if it's free (usually left behind in a room I clean) or
It's ok to drink if it's a birthday/ anniversary/ holiday
Really translates into
It's ok to drink any day any time since you could celebrate it being a Tuesday and just are not quite ready to accept the fact that you can't give yourself limits like that because where you are coming from and probably where you are going there are no limits and there never were.
Why is the phrase "Where the hell am I?" so immediately hilarious?
Ate some space cake and got demented. Thought I made up my "pen pal" and that the relationship was a figment of my imagination. That every conversation has been in my head and if I looked into it, there would be no one there. It seemed plausible and really freaked me out. Could I really be that insane. The level of hermitage I have achieved is probably un-natural and is generally bad for my health.
But then yesterday
Had to have people over. It was stressful and weird. They bicker and make fun of each other. Cute couple. Nice couple. Poster children for divorce. Or a bullet in the brain.
Just kept thinking
I hope that we as a married couple do not appear this way to others.
I don't think so. Don't think it's possible.
We don't say hardly anything to anyone outside.
And inside I like it better when there are as few words as possible.
When I open my mouth the words don't fit, they struggle out in a cough and when I hear my own words echoing off my walls and back to my own ears the silence that surrounds them is deafening.
Winter is descending here with expediency. This time of year used to be something I looked forward to, now it just seems like everything is shrinking inside of itself and leaving me here to deal with the cold and the dark and that painful silence. Like wind in an empty valley. Alone but not alone. The worst of the worst.
Planted 60 bulbs last week. It's a variety of daffodils and crocus. Not sure what kinds or what colors. It's something to look forward to in the spring. An adventure.
Because it's very important to have something like that to look forward to when you're suspended in this
Whatever
The fuck this is.
7:59 PM - Sunday, Oct. 14, 2012
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