----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- uniPOSCA My shrink's office called me this morning, woke me up, told me I had to call my insurance company because the claims were all denied. I did, after getting hung up on 3 times, I was told by insurance that they had no claims on file and my doctor "obviously didn't know how to file a claim." That's what I had to tell the secretary when I called back to the shrink's office. All of the sudden my shrink has a secretary and when you leave a voicemail it gets returned by some Indian guy at a switchboard. Up until this month I only ever spoke directly with the doctor. Then I get a call from the pharmacy and right when I pick it up they hang up on me. I call them and the prescription I've been waiting on for over a month keeps getting bounced between the clinic and the pharmacy but I can't seem to get it filled. Not sure if I want it, but I'd like to have it here in case I decide to. You know, fuck this fucking shit. I've been in meltdown mode since before I was even awake because the fucking insurance company can't seem to make things work with the doctor and the other doctor can't seem to communicate with the pharmacy...or computer number one can't seem to speak the same language as computer number two and I have to be the one to get stuck in the middle of it. I can't do this shit. I really can't. I can not deal with being on the phone, with filing claims, with playing phone tag. I'm on disability for a reason. I feel like I need to go out and start a fire. I miss having the places I went to calm down be over 300 miles away. I'm trying to find new places, but nothing here feels right. I don't feel like I'm at home. I keep walking, trying to find somewhere, but this place is nowhere. I don't think I'm going to do anything nice for anyone ever again... I don't know where that came from. I'm so off balance and I have nothing but this little white box. It's probably best just to take my paint pen and hit all the electrical boxes, all the abandoned buildings. I write my name on everything. Then I draw a little heart with an X through it. It's funny, because people don't know it's my name unless they know me. Back in Roch, someone was going all over town writing my name on everything. I have no idea who it was, but it always made me laugh. If I saw it and I was walking with someone I'd always say "there's a lot of love in this town" and that was always good for a laugh. It's a personal joke. I am a joke. I have a list of names I think of changing my first name to. I have no idea how much that would cost, but I have no money so it doesn't matter. I get so fed up with all the shit I get because my hippie parents were so delusional they had no idea how hard they were making life for me. I try to come up with names that begin with "L" so the initials would be the same. I don't know what it would be like to be a Lydia or a Laren but sometimes I think it would be nice to be anyone but me. Usually. 1:23 PM - Friday, Jan. 13, 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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