wink wink, nudge nudge

We got our new furnace installed yesterday. Free. So, some of the paranoia I've been feeling is gone. Having people in the house does not happen. Gas lines freak me out. I think we might have been getting dosed with carbon monoxide for many months. Not enough to get really sick, but enough to have some illness symptoms. It's scary. The new furnace seems safe and efficient.

I feel a little guilty that we got it for free, but the local CAP (community action program) took care of everything. They use your energy assistance application to see if you qualify, and since we had no money when the application was submitted (last September) we got a free furnace. Of course we could have paid for it now, with my inheritance, but I feel like the government has most definitely been screwing us out of benefits like EBT and medical and whatnot for decades just because we don't have a team of professionals there to watch our backs. I mean, $15 a month of food stamps when one person is on disability and the other only works 12 hours a week? They kept saying that if we had kids we'd have more benefits. What a horrible thing to say to someone. Cannon fodder, anyone?

I am hoping we can use the money we would have spent on a new furnace to pay for my husband's vasectomy. He's finally agreed to do that, now that we have money. We have to pay for it all out of pocket because it has never NOT ONCE been covered by any of the insurances he has had. What a fucking sexist and bullshit country we live in. It's going to cost a few thousand dollars.

I have had, in the past, several appointments about getting tubal ligation as well as other “non surgical” forms of permanent birth control, as female sterilization is ALWAYS covered by insurance. However, I don't trust the doctors I have spoken with. I am terrified of being anesthetized. I worry about infections. I worry that when they slice me open, they will hit some organs I will suffer horribly or I will die. I worry about dying from the gas (as I've never been put under). So, that has never happened. I can't get over the voice in my head telling me bad things will happen. I am very scared of surgery, or doctors in general. White coat syndrome.

I had to have a cyst cut off my urethra many years back and opted for a local instead of being put under. By the time she sewed me up, the local had worn off and I felt everything. It hurt like hell. I am guessing a vasectomy can't hurt any more than that. At least I hope not.

I decided to go back on the pill, which is defeating. It was not an easy decision. They pretty much fucked me up, but I guess I decided the risk is worth it for this time in my life. Ever since I lost my mind I've been taking risks I shouldn't take while on natural birth control. Condoms were fun for a little while, but I am constantly worrying about them breaking. They seem to do that. A woman has to be focused, dedicated, and very clear minded in order to chart her cycles and know when it's safe to have baby-free sex. My husband and I are not in our right minds right now. Especially me.

I hope I can be off the pill in about a year, and my husband will have his little procedure, and we can go live on a farm in the middle of nowhere and not have to worry about doctors and babies and hormones making life miserable for everyone all the time.

All we are are a collection of hormones. Electrical impulses. You mix them up, you shift them around, and are you really you anymore. Who's steering this ship? One small chemical out of place and everything is different.

To be honest, I just want to have some fun right now. It's a pretty lame reason, but there you go. Having a free pass again to fuck whenever sounds great. If I have a heart attack and die from the pills, I guess there are worse ways to go out. Everyone else in my family has died from medication related heart attacks or drug related illness, so why break with tradition.

I could be explicit here but for the most part I think it's called a private life because it should be private. My wedding anniversary is coming up at the end of the month and I want to have a really really nice time. I have plans.

1:38 PM - Tuesday, Apr. 17, 2018


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