----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- circa 2023 *Get more exercise. Aerobics meltdown. Jumping around like I'm back in Charlene's Dance studio circa 1986 makes me want to punch in a face, but whenever the weather is better (define better, better than what?) I hit the pavement and I do have the goal of finding a tolerable route to get to the woods more often. A hike is just a walk but in a nice place. A long term goal is to be thin enough where I can comfortably ride a bike. I'd like to eventually get a bike again and learn how to put it together, take it apart, put it together and go on long rides just for the change of scenery. But that's not immediate, it's kind of like a hazy fantasy right now. I did just find out there is a bike collective in the East Village (the part of downtown nearest my house, near the Capitol building). They take donated bikes, fix them up, sell them, have a studio where they teach people how to work on bikes, give bikes to poor kids (and adults I think) and it's all run by volunteers and is non-profit. I hope they can stay open long enough for me to get my fat ass over there and get involved. At least to purchase a bike. *Eat better. Pancakes vs. Donuts. Eh, you know what I mean. I call myself a fat ass because it's funny. It even makes my husband laugh. I am not sure if I am capable of having a fat ass. The rest of me swells up like a water balloon but I've got the chronic white person flat butt no matter what else is going on. *No booze. It's a given. I never wanted to be a drunk. Even the sound of it is so unrefined. It's 77 days. Again. I sometimes forget that the whole time I was seeing Mr. White (my Roch therapist that gave me the Bipolar bear diagnosis and helped me get on SSDI) I was sober and how not being altered alters your perception. The worst and best part is that I start to feel aware which means I start to feel angry but I can't be numb anymore. It's OK from time to time but I can't be one of those time to time people. It's all in or none at all. At least when I get angry I want to get active. I guess it's one of the things I can actually thank my parents for instilling in me. Not sure if makes up for the faulty DNA but it will have to do. *Go Downtown. I haven't made it downtown here yet. The bus is about one block away so there isn't much excuse. I'm on the look out for some street art and if I don't find any, I may have to make some. There are things I hope will happen, but I know that they probably won't. Maybe I'll make an effort to leave the house more, to isolate myself less. Maybe I will get involved in something artsy fartsy. Chances are I won't. But maybe I will and maybe I'll make friends. Can someone in their 40s make new friends? I can't control other people. I can't control much except how I react to what is happening around me and to me. "You can't hope your way out of a trashcan." Those are POS lyrics, and they have been stuck in my head for weeks now. I take it to mean that if you want something to change you have to actually do something. So I'm going to take that as my 2023 theme and run with it. I can't make things happen but I can make art (whatever that is) and that can make me feel less like I'm a corpse in a dumpster fire. I got myself a set of fuzzy ears off eBay for 3 dollars and sixty nine cents, which is a really good deal I think. They make me want to do all kinds of crazy things, which is priceless. 2:53 PM - Monday, Jan. 02, 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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