----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- roll with it At my last doc appointment they gave me a prescription for some medication they give to people with tremors, like Restless Leg and Parkinson's patients. I looked up the list of side effects and they are really weird. Anorexia, the strong urge to gamble or urge for sexual events and narcolepsy are among some of the strangest. Of course it has the usual big pharma dangers like hives, headaches, dizziness, dry mouth, intestinal distress, etc... The pharmacy made some mistake and deleted my prescription so they had to send it back to the clinic and the clinic had to send it back to the pharmacy so it will be awhile before I get that, I think. I keep going back and forth on deciding to try it or not. I always feel like taking big pharma is like dropping an atom bomb in my body. It's also a lot like gambling. They have no idea what it will do. They can make an educated guess, but everyone is different. You could take one pill and get very very sick or even die. I'm not a gambler by nature. But if I take this medication, that might change. hah. The night tremors can be really frightening and some nights I barely get any sleep. If I knew more why it was happening I wouldn't be so anxious about it but I don't think anyone is going to be able to tell me why, they can just treat the symptoms. Last night I was tremoring and I had what, for lack of a better term, was a revelation. When I start shaking I usually try to move position to get it to stop or to at least be more comfortable, but last night I just let it happen. It was pretty bad for awhile and I won't lie that it was frightening. But at a certain point they got less and it was almost relaxing. Kind of like a weird internal massage. Eventually they stopped and I was able to get some deep REM sleep. Of course my dreams were for shit, but that's pretty much every night. Always has been. When I was a kid I used to sit up in bed screaming bloody murder and a family member would run into my room to see if I was OK. I would wake up from them coming to check on me, I had no memory of sitting up or screaming or what I was dreaming. It didn't happen all the time, but often enough that I think my family got really sick of it. Giving into the tremors last night reminded me of a mushroom trip I had where it felt like my entire body was folding inside out and back with every breath I was taking. At first it freaked me out and I started to get tense, tried to resist the feeling, then I let go and rode that wave of feelings and it was really comforting, renewing, and calming when it was all said and done. I still wonder if these current night tremors are PTSD symptoms. No professional would be able to say for sure about that, but I really do wonder. I also wonder if my nervous system is just fucked from all the booze and the X I used to do, although that was almost 20 years ago. But I did a lot. A LOT. The last thing I need is self-guilt on top of everything else. Addiction is just another mental illness. Or at least the symptom of one. My legs used to tremor about 6 or so years ago when I was trying to sleep. I went in and got checked for all sorts of random rare conditions and everything came back normal. Eventually the tremors stopped and until recently I haven't had that problem again. I'm hoping this too, will stop on its own. But I am doing sensible things like getting more exercise, trying to eat better, do more art and writing and things that make me happy and feel more like myself so keep my mind occupied so I don't ruminate and focus on the big downer that life truly is. My shrink upped my dose of Latuda, which doesn't matter since I'm not taking it. I figured it would be a good idea to act like it wasn't working as well since I've "been on it" for some time now. I am sick of this playacting and lying and having to think of what to say, but I still feel like if I don't at least pretend to comply I'll be back in shit job land, and if that happens, I really think I will end up in the hospital, or in prison, or maybe on the streets and then in the hospital or in prison. Right now I am paid to stay home and keep my crazy brains to myself and the world is really OK with that. I guess I will see how things go at night. Some nights it's like everything is normal. Other nights I get zero sleep and no matter what I can't stop twitching and I feel like I just want to die. If it doesn't get better, I might have to drop the bomb and try this creepy medication. I hope not, but life is hard enough without this. I can't help but think "it's begun". The down hill fall of my physical body into old age and all the medical problems that come from it. I worry about ending up on tons of medications like everyone else in my family. But, it's a choice, isn't it? Life is nothing but endless choices. I suck at making good choices, that's part of what scares me. 5:06 PM - Wednesday, Dec. 14, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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