----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lemon balm So the result of my doctor's visit was more blood tests, which is good, considering I had low levels of Vitamin D last time, and if you don't go back and see where you're at how the hell are you supposed to know if you're back to normal or not. I'm not, so I am going to try the mega dose vitamins again for awhile and hope for the best. It seemed last time they made my tremors worse, but maybe it's a case of getting worse before it gets better. I don't know. I still have part of a bottle left so I'll take them and see. Also taking my daily women's multi that has some Vitamin D in it. We'll see how I feel mega dosing like that. Iron normal. Cholesterol normal except for high Triglycerides, which happened after taking BC pills and abusing alcohol, and they are still not down to "normal". I am not on BC now and I'm not drinking so now I just have to lose the weight. The BC pills made me fat and the booze pushed me over into the obese category, and I don't think I would have drank so much if the BC hadn't made me so depressed. Maybe I would have. The genetic pre-disposition for abuse runs high in my family. And I also have no self-discipline. And I also tend to lean toward depression and straight up nihilism. I really don't think there is a point to anything. I don't think there is meaning behind anything. I think people assign meaning to things so they don't feel like they are spinning chaotically and purposefully through the cosmos. Everything is random and indifferent and I'm OK with that. I'm not sure when I came to this conclusion. I think it was in Denver during the Riots. The nurse tried to schedule me for a colonoscopy and I told her to shove it up her ass. Heh. But that was a yeah, no. There's some test where you poop in a box and send it in and they test that and I'm like...why wouldn't people just do that first? I guess the Federal guideline for colon cancer screening is 45 now. Eat your celery, I guess is the moral to that. She didn't try to get me to get a mammogram, but she did want to schedule an annual pap smear. She offered to do it right then, but at least the knew enough to say "I know it's best to be in a mental state before you get that done..." It's always horrible, borderline traumatic, and I'm not sure if I should go to an OBGYN to get that done or if I should just do it at this clinic since I can walk there in 25 minutes. I don't know which is the lesser evil. It's all evil. I don't care if they try to make it festive by putting fabric booties on the metal stirrups, it's still way too close to torture for me to deal with right now. She sent in a prescription for some anti-tremor med that they give to Restless Leg and Parkinson's patients. It must be really strong since it's only .25 MG to start with. I honestly don't know about it. They aren't any closer to knowing what's causing my tremors. I've tried to diagnose myself, giving up coffee, cutting out certain foods, getting more exercise, even just switching pillows...nothing seems to make any difference. At least I can't see any pattern. The not knowing is really affecting my anxiety and my OCD has been so much worse with this new health issue to fixate on. I'm thinking it's "just" PTSD. And big pharma has pretty much failed us all on that front. I have skullcap tincture in the cabinet, I might go back to that, and also add in some Lemon Balm. I actually was going to grow some lemon balm in the yard this spring...I'm thinking I might try a tincture of that. It's a better tonic that skullcap/ passionflower, and would have less side effects on long term use. Right about now I am wishing my mom was around to ask her advice about what natural remedies to try. And just to have motherly concern that I might not be doing well, that would be nice. But oh well. Aside from taking care of a 1,000 square foot herb garden, my mom made her own tinctures and teas, was hired out to give talks on herbalism, and for awhile she also had a column in the local paper. They had a section called "Ask an Expert" and they had a panel of people that answered reader's questions about their area of expertise, mostly in the health and wellness category. My mom was the expert herbalist and she answered people's questions. She did that for free and she gave away most of what she made, but she did get paid to travel around and give talks. She had two that I remember "Herbs of the Bible" and "Native American Herbal Remedies". She was a founding member of the "Herb Society" here at the Botanical Center back in the 1980s and she helped put in a herb garden on their grounds. They tore that up and put in some kind of evergreen garden nowadays, and I think it's their loss, but I am guessing that they just couldn't get people to volunteer their time to maintain that herb garden like my mom and the other Herb Society ladies used to do. A bunch of "wise women". I am pretty sure they were all women. One of the Herb ladies came to my mom's funeral and said hello to me. I remember her from when I was a kid. People used to come take tours of my mom's garden. Which is part of why I felt so bad about having to turn it under, but it was so neglected there wasn't much to save at that point. Pretty much everything my mom did was for free, she even did some of her talks for free. I remember she gave them at the library a few times free of charge. I always told her she should write a book, but she never did. I guess I see why I don't really value the value of money. They say it's not a gift if you don't give it away...I wonder how my life would have been different if my family put more value on making money instead of what they did value. I also often wonder how effective herbs are in modern life against modern ailments. Things are so far from natural that I really do question what the best way to heal anything is. Big Pharma has it's place, but I guess I wonder why Western Medicine is OK with just treating a symptom and not finding the cause in order to stop it for good. Because Western Medicine is not holistic in any way. It's very segmented and separated and aside from agreeing that sugar is the devil they won't even admit that food can be medicine, even with the adage "You are what you eat". So yeah, I wish I could ask my mom what she thinks would be best but I just have to look through all the books she left behind and try to figure it out and try to search my brain for any information she gave me when I was younger that floated into my crevices and brain folds and try to take care of myself. Yeah, all Western Medicine can do IS nothing or drugs. I'm not any worse off from my visit, but I'm not any better, either. I'm no closer to finding out what the fuck my body is doing when I'm trying to sleep. Maybe it's all just because I am so completely miserable and unhappy and I'm trying my best to make it work anyway. Lots of options no longer available, time creeping up on me, loss so big it resembles the grand canyon and having to always say: It could always be worse. Always have to say that. Maybe someday it will get better. 4:53 PM - Wednesday, Dec. 07, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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