----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- keep your head up My Dad said something to me once. It freaked me out then, and it still freaks me out. Maybe moreso now, because I am there now. He said that when you get old, inside your head you're still a teenager, and it makes life really weird. To look in a mirror and see grey hair, watch kids grow up, you start slowing down, having more time behind you than you do before you. But mentally...you just can't adult. You wonder how it all happened. Maybe not everyone is like that. One of the things I wanted to get done before new years was declutter my clothes. I got into a really bad habit over the past few years of buying clothes. Clothes for my "fantasy self". In my mind, obviously, I am still a teenager that goes out among people daily and dresses like an art student or a wannabe rock star. But in reality, I am a 44 year old woman that can stay at home for months at a time and not see anyone except the delivery people and my husband and my cat. I barely need any "outside" clothes. Usually what I wear is a t-shirt and knit pants. If it's warm enough I'll wear a skirt. I only need one set of clothes in case someone dies or I need to go to court. I need a nice dress in case I ever get invited to a family thing like a wedding or a birthday party. So far, none of those things have happened. I also need some outside pants and coats for if I ever go to a store or go for a walk. So I donated all these weird frilly clothes that I hadn't worn, won't wear. Leggings are at the top of that list. I hate them. I hate how I look in them, I hate how they feel, I hate trying to squeeze my fat legs into little spandex sausage casings. I don't know how leggings became something women wear almost universally in the USA, but it is and it's gross. That's my opinion about it. I realize I'm telling the same stories over and over again. I know I have written about this before. This is one of the excuses my uncle used to throw my grandma into a home. That she had dementia because she kept telling the same stories over and over again. I could see myself getting dementia. I talk to no one. I don't have friends. I don't go out. I tend to live a life of escapism and honestly sometimes I don' t know what is real and what isn't. I ask what day it is hour after hour sometimes. I can't seem to remember anything short term anymore. Teenagers are getting dementia now. Maybe it's all the technology and all the chemicals. It's too easy to get down when you're looking back and it seems a long ways back there. But you look forward and it's a MF brick wall right in your face. 4:12 PM - Thursday, Jan. 06, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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