----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- really not great I just went through my clothes and I thought I was at a place that was good. Enough to wear but not so much that I felt like I was constantly doing laundry. Kept only things I actually wear, things that fit. I donated lots of stuff. And I told myself I wasn't going to buy any clothes except necessary items this year (new sneakers and underwear, basically). Then for some reason I ended up on the Target website and I ended up buying 2 t-shirts, a dress, 2 pairs of comfy pants, 2 sweatshirts and a sweater and a tank top and a pair of socks. And garbage bags. I feel really not great about myself. It's not that I don't have the money, it's just that I wanted to put my money into savings. It's not like I am going into debt, but I know I have a problem. Relapse is part of recovery. I suppose I could return the stuff. We have a merchandise credit from Target that we've had since Denver and my husband really needs new pants. We have been meaning to go there since we moved here but it's never worked out. It would be a reason to actually get to a real store. Everything is so far away here. It never seems to be worth the effort to try to get out to where-ever. So we don't go anywhere. I would buy my husband clothes online, but we ALWAYS have to return them. He's very picky about fabric. Even more than me. It's been a rough week for not drinking, but I have made it through. Not so great on the compulsive shopping, though. And then... We bought an Amazon prime subscription because they offered free food delivery from Whole Foods as part of their prime benefits. It's great for us since we don't have a car. Then, they changed their policy and started charging $10 PER DELIVERY from whole foods. You still had to have the prime subscription in order to get food from whole foods, but now you had to pay $10 each time in addition. Then...they stopped having any delivery times open. For about 2 weeks now. No delivery windows. Today they finally had one and I put in an order. The food was shopped and the delivery person made it to our house. Then, he couldn't get his truck open! He had a cover on his truck bed and he couldn't get the tailgate down. So, we waited weeks to get some health food, then it gets here, but we can't get it in the house. Then I had to chat with customer service to cancel the order. It says it's still out for delivery but I'm not eating anything that's been sitting in the back of a truck for 6+ hours. It's really fucking weird but whatever. I am really really missing my life back in MN right now. I thought things there were too far away, I realize now I was just retarded. I hate having other people do my shopping for me and delivery too, but I guess we are giving people jobs. I miss the shitty local co-op and the weird Natural Grocers out in the middle of nowhere. That I could walk to. It was a long walk, but not compared to this place. I wish I could just eat shit food and die like poor people are supposed to do. I know my issues with food are part of my mental illness and I definitely have been traumatized by being so poor as a kid (and an adult). Having to eat rotten food from food shelves. Getting sick. Or being hungry and not being able to eat. But I look at all the typical food at a grocery store and all I can see are all the chemicals and poisons they use to spray all over it. They spray Glyphosate on wheat to dry it. I wonder, WTF is wrong with sunlight??? I can see the tortured baby cows and see the baby chickens getting boiled alive. Any animal considered "poultry" in the USA does not have to be killed humanely according to the USDA. All chickens, turkeys, ducks, geese...etc are not covered by the humane slaughter act. I wish I could just not know all this shit or just not care. I hope these clothes I bought are nice, I could use something to cheer me up. Fast fashion, whatever. Slave labor making cheap clothes in dark rooms so they can eat partially chewed McDonalds for dinner. I had a nightmare last night that I was getting ready for work at the hotel. I had to put on my shitty black non-slip shoes that they MADE us buy. Black pants, black t-shirt and a maroon polyester smock with awful scratchy ridges all over it. I looked in my closet, and that's all I had to wear. Work clothes. Sets and sets of work clothes. I woke up freaked out then remembered I didn't have to work there anymore and I don't have any of those clothes now. I'm sure the nightmare had something to do with my shopping spree. Guess I am thankful we have money, still. Enough to eat health food and buy clothes at Target (even if they are on sale). And I am thankful for all the food delivery options that exist now. I feel like a total asshole using them, but I'll be damned before I get another car yet. All these are first world problems, I know. I know. As a very old friend of ours used to like to say..."oh, what a problem to have." 3:28 PM - Sunday, Jan. 16, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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