----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 30 days is not enough Yet another pile of stuff on the porch for the salvation army slaves to come throw in their truck. I am getting so tired of this. It's literally every few weeks I find a bunch of things here that we don't use anymore, or that we never wanted, and it's such a small house (compared to my old 3,000 square foot two story duplex with an attic and a basement and a two car garage) that once I decide I won't be using something it needs to get out of the house. Otherwise it sits in piles and is constantly being moved around so I can get to what I DO want to use. I AM happy this stuff is going away, but I am really tired of this process. We started going through the basement stuff, our stuff that we moved with us from state to state, and then I started to get really anxious. My husband is a total hoarder. It's not just removing the stuff, I have to deal with his current hoarding disorder. We used to jokingly call him a packrat, but seeing everything boxed up and seeing how much pure trash he has kept...it's not much different than this house and all the things I have had to clear out already. Guess how many bass guitars we have. Go ahead. Guess. 4. Guess how many guitars we have. That would be 7. How often has he played them in the last two years? zero. I think moving so much in the last few years has really traumatized me on so many levels... Both times I was forced to do it very very quickly. Aside from getting my stuff stolen by the movers, and things broken by them, I had to leave things behind that I wasn't really ready to leave behind. And yet now, when I look at my stuff, all I can think is...do I want to move this around with me for the rest of my life? And it's ridiculous because we just got here. We're still settling in. We're still unpacking our own things! I should allow myself some time. I am traumatized by having to move too much stuff. To leave too much behind. I see the contradictory issues there. I may be a sap but I'm not stupid. And I'm also traumatized by being forced to leave a place I wasn't ready to leave, to abandon a property I put a lot of myself into. Too much. Part of me really regrets ever giving a shit. Regrets thinking that someone like me could have even a tiny little slice of that American dream pie. I feel fortunate that I got out more or less intact. Broken but still fixable, maybe. There are times when I think I'll go out to the closet and grab this or that tool and then I remember I don't live there anymore. And I don't have that stuff anymore. And it's really confusing to me for a moment. I don't know where I am, but I am not home, but I don't have that home anymore. It's really difficult for me to find this balance of trying to make this house comfortable, but not investing in it. And at the same time to constantly be questioning why I am keeping what I am keeping and in the back of my mind being ready to pick up and move into a block tower apartment or something. Being ready for bad shit to happen. I still wake up saying "What's wrong, what's going on?" Pretty much every day. So many times I have been woken up by really horrific things happening around me. I used to have a flight bag ready for awhile there. A bag with some clothes, toiletries, some non-perishable high protein foods, and money. That's how bad my life was. I am thankful to be here. Nothing happens here. Really nothing. We might as well not exist and it is great. It's probably the most mellow place I have ever lived. I really hope that Sals takes everything this time. If they don't, it will go out the garage. And anything else we find between now and spring will go out there too. And then we will have a huge Free for all garage sale where we just give it all away. Hopefully the crack heads won't have a knife fight over an old air conditioner. I am so stressed out and there isn't a real reason for it. I guess reprogramming decades of habits is hard to do when you have real life to contend with. 5:07 PM - Monday, Jan. 03, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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