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what an awful stream of words
Just got an email from the county in MN where I lived harassing me about my "healthcare case". I have no fucking idea what they are talking about, and no idea how they got that email. Have I had that email for that long? I have no concept of time anymore. The county is a big reason why I used to go on drinking binges. Trying to call them was like making a phone call right to hell.
Right now, I just want to get a bottle and waste the day. I am so fucking angry. The email said they were getting returned mail and neither of the phone numbers they had on file worked. Well duh, maybe I don't live there anymore? They are working harder now to harass me than they ever did when I needed assistance and that's part of why I am so fucking angry.
I have a dermatology appointment tomorrow. I don't want to go. Really don't want to go. Part of me wants to call now, cancel that, go get a bottle and waste the day and the next day and probably the day after that.
My husband has to go in Friday to get his new state ID. It expires on his bday and Friday at 9:45 AM is the only time slot they had before his bday expiration date. Everyone wants to schedule things so early. When you stay up late and get up around 11AM, anything before that is really early. It may be easier to just stay up all night, but that would probably force a flip around and then I'd really be fucked. I was able to reschedule my dermatology for 3PM, at least, they tried to make it at 9AM as well.
The only bad thing about not having a car, is when you have to be somewhere at a certain time. Cabs, buses, and even walking are not the easiest way to make sure you're not late. You usually have to end up being really early instead and your whole day feels like all you do is that appointment. The anxiety about it, getting ready for it, the travel time, the getting treated like shit while you're there, more travel time. When do you get to eat or smoke or fuck that day? You don't.
"Behavioral Health" called me and set up an appointment for a shrink in November. Really not giving a shit about that. I just need a doctors name for if Social Security comes knocking. Not planning on taking their drugs, so they can prescribe whatever they want. I really don't care. They gave me so much crap asking for a PM appointment. The nurse said the doctors like to have all their appointments in the AM so they can do the paperwork in the PM. I had no comment to that. What a load of shit. They just want half days. If they got the paperwork done in the PM, maybe they could have scheduled my husband's bloodwork on time and we wouldn't be facing yet another fast and early AM trip to the hospital to see if someone is competent enough to take a MF vial of blood that day.
I really regret starting all this medical care shit. It was probably better for me to sit here and work things out for myself. Do the normal things to be healthier like eat better and get more exercise. But I've set this all into motion now and I regret it.
It's probably a coincidence that the county sent me an email now, just as I start to use my Medicare. They've been trying to reach me for awhile, obviously, but the timing still has me paranoid. I should have nothing to do with that county anymore.
I don't know how I'm supposed to be strong and deal with things. I don't see the point. Lots of people better than me have committed slow suicide from drink, why am I an exception? I am sick of hangovers and sick of missing days from being hung over. Sick of gaps in my memory and embarrassment from violence and just plain stupidity from being so drunk.
Lots of good reasons not to drink. Eventually, I will end up in prison if I keep drinking. I would rather be dead than be in prison. But I'd really rather be alive. I'd just like to live a life I enjoy, which is obviously easier said than done.
My friend K is MIA. I am really worried, although I know it's a waste of my energy. I have deep hopes that maybe he finally went into rehab. It's heartbreaking to always hear how this person would talk to him, how he could see his kids, how he could do all the things he wants to do if he could just get off the shit. I hope he's out getting help.
1:48 PM - Monday, Sept. 27, 2021
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