----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the radiant complexions line My day at the dermatologist's office. I took a cab, which was awful. The driver kept slamming on the breaks. I almost hit my head on the front seat a few times. I thought I was going to puke. I got to the clinic and I had to stand outside for a while. I really thought I was just going to blow chunks all over. I was really car sick. Bad driver. I see buses and nice shelters all over, but the schedules are really confusing and it's intimidating. This is a pretty big city, lots of lines, lots of routes, and I don't want to end up in a suburb or going the wrong way or something. So I haven't taken the bus anywhere yet. At the office, the "paperwork" I had to fill out was on a tablet. I wasn't prepared for that, I've never used one before AND it's the same tablet they give everyone, which made me all paranoid about germs. That pushed my anxiety up. Then I had to wait almost an hour for my appointment. I don't know if I was told the wrong time, heard them say the wrong time, or if they were just running late. The doctor thanked me for waiting, so I am thinking they were just running late. I had to listen to the radio the whole time. The two receptionists were chit chatting small talk the whole time, really annoying pointless talk, occasionally singing along to the worst collection of pop music I've ever heard. This whole town seems stuck in 1991. The radio here is just fucking awful and the way people act and dress just creeps me out. It's almost like this town hasn't evolved since I moved out when I was 18 and I'm right back to where I started and it makes me not well at all. An old couple comes in and the guy keeps to himself, but his wife keeps giving me dirty looks and staring at me outright for no reason. They get to go in before me and I'm beginning to wonder what's going on. The guy gets a drink from the water cooler but instead of throwing his cup away sets it against all the other cups. Later a receptionist goes to get some water and flips out because his used cup is sitting against all the clean cups. She throws all the cups away and gets new ones. Honestly, it bothered me too. Gross. A guy comes in for an appointment and he keeps turning around from reception and staring at me. It made me uncomfortable, but then he sat directly across from me and was just staring at me the whole time. It was a very small waiting room, and if I had been out in a public place I would have asked him WTF his problem was. I don't know if he's the kind of person that tries to figure out what is wrong with everyone in the office or if he was just a pervert. Finally I get called back and I high tail it away from that creep and into the exam room. The doctor was OK, but it went about like I thought. There's no cure for my problems except death, apparently. She was training someone in, and she was nice enough, but she was wearing sandals. I saw her walking around while I was waiting, and I thought it was kind of unprofessional to be wearing sandals to a medical office. No socks, just strappy summer sandals. Everyone else in the office was wearing either nurse clogs or sneakers. I noticed while I was in the exam room that this trainee had really nasty toenails. Every single one of her nails were black and like eaten away. I don't know if it was fungus or an accident or genetic or something, but it wasn't what I wanted to see in a dermatology clinic where I had to take my own shoes and socks off and put my feet on the floor. By now my anxiety is really high. I can feel my face and neck flushing. All the doctors here think I'm going through menopause, but I'm not. It's just how my anxiety presents myself when I'm overloaded. I put down on their paperwork that I have anxiety and Bipolar disorder, so it shouldn't be a surprise that I don't do well at doctors' offices. My agoraphobia was already pretty bad and then I had to go out into an unknown part of town alone and see a doctor and use technology and wait way too long and I was hungry and yeah...she ended up ordering the same bloodwork the primary care doctor did, but she said she'd fax it into the hospital, so I'm hoping there will actually be the tests ready for me when I get there next week. And someone competent enough to take a vial of blood without having to beat me up or leave a needle hanging out of my arm like last time. I had to wait for 15 minutes for the cab home. My husband let me use his cell phone so I could get a ride without making the receptionists have to call a cab for me. People hate doing that. While I was waiting some delivery guy showed up playing generic dance music really loud and he slowed down to stare at me as he drove by. He delivered some food to the hair salon a few doors down, and then when he left he did the same thing. Slowed way down and stared at me when he went by. I don't know why everyone was staring at me and it was making me really stressed out. People do this to me all the time and it makes me feel like I have extra arms or a huge head or something. I feel like a total freak. The cab ride home was better except it was rush hour and the freeway was bumper to bumper. Standstill in a few lanes. The traffic here is so bad compared to when I lived here before. The freeway is 6 or 8 lanes now. When I was a kid it was 4 lanes and it was not connected to the interstate like it is now. It was just a freeway out to the suburbs, but now it's a huge mega interchange and it makes me really nervous, even when I'm not driving. I got home and took a bath and cried pretty much the whole time. I was so tired and anxious and it was awful being out and awful being back at the house. I really miss my home and my town in MN and I know this will pass, but I don't like it here and I wish I could go back. My poor cat was scratching at the bathroom door and meowing almost the whole time. I like to think she was worried about me, but it's probably more that she wanted to come in and sit on the edge of the tub. She likes to stick her tail in my bath and then watch the water go down the drain at the end, sometimes getting in the tub before the water is all the way down. I wasn't in the mood to try to keep her from jumping into the tub with me. 1:46 PM - Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2021 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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