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caught in a bear trap
Went to the walk-in clinic at the hospital yesterday when my husband had his shrink appointment. This was the first time he's met his doctor, all his other appointments have been over the phone because of Covid. They wanted him to come in this time to take his blood pressure and weight since he's on 3 medications.
The only thing he had to say was his doctor looked like a freak because she had eyeliner wings. I told him that was in style now. He thought that was weird. "Well she looked like a freak."
It seems like over all he's healthier than me. At least as far as the statistics go. The blood pressure, the weight, the pulse. All that shit. I'll probably die just from all the stress he has put me through. I know my hair in the last year has gone grey at an astounding rate.
I got an appointment in 2 weeks to see a podiatrist. That's the soonest I could get. The following week I see general practice for bloodwork.
The walk-in clinic wasn't very useful, aside from making the other appointment for me. It took a huge chunk out of my day and made me so tired I didn't do much else. I had to get foot x-rays and so of course they had to ask if I was pregnant. My husband was confused, why did they ask if I was pregnant if I was there for my foot? Uh, because of the x-rays mutating or killing your fetus. Just proving how much more shit women have to deal with than men I guess. Things we have to deal with that men are totally oblivious to.
The doctor almost forgot to ask me, then she popped her head back into the room I was in and said "Are you pregnant?" "No." I said. She just stood there staring at me for a second, half way out of the room with the door open. "So, you had your tubes tied or are you on the pill or on your period or are you just not active." I was really taken off guard and I was really pissed off and embarrassed. This is not something you should just be discussing with the door open with tons of people walking around.
Am I so fat that I just look pregnant or something? Or, are the locals around here so stupid they don't know when they are pregnant and when they are not? I remember the lady that lived across the street here when I was a teenager...she was waiting for the bus once with my friend that lived a block away. She had just had a new baby and she said to my friend that she didn't realize she was pregnant until she was 8 and a half months along. I will always remember that. My friend told me, and I have no reason not to believe that. This lady was kind of retarded, and her older girl used to always want to play with me and follow me around. Once I was in my yard and the little girl came up to me and said "I got the head lice". And I said gee thanks for the info and went inside.
Am I so fat and retarded looking that some nurse (I'm sure she wasn't a full on doctor) thinks I'm too stupid to know when I am pregnant, and if I had kids, they would be the kind to walk around with bugs and I wouldn't notice that either? Or am I so disgusting that of course I'm not actively having sex, because who would fuck me?
So, that all made me feel like shit. Why do doctors always trigger me? I avoid them even when I need them because of that.
I forced myself to walk today. About 5 miles total. I wrapped my foot and had to walk slow but I did it. I don't know what's wrong exactly but it hurts a little less I guess. Having shoes on helps. Apparently, these clinic people can't be bothered to do anything except to rule out broken bones.
I knew my foot wasn't broken. I've had a few broken bones now. I know what that feels like. I'm also not drinking, so I don't just wake up with a broken bone and not know for certain how that happened.
You know, like that one time.
I'm worried about my friend K. He sent a ninja emoji as his last message to me. I am not sure what that means. I had to look it up. I don't know what any of this modern newspeak pictographic expression supposedly universal images are supposed to mean. I had a thought that maybe he went into rehab or something, but I really have my doubts. I am guessing I won't get to hear from him for awhile. He dropped all his issues on me and goes away and I have to wonder how he's doing.
My husband and I went to the local coffee shop on the walk today. We usually sit outside on the benches, which we did today. I could see my reflection in the window. I am a really chubby bunny. Really, this is the most I think I have ever weighed. My weight has gone up and down a lot as an adult, depending on how poor I am, how many drugs or what drugs I've been doing. I definitely need to make lifestyle changes before I become one of those people you see walking down the street and all you can think is "Whoa, fat!" Like, it's hard to believe that the human body can stretch that big.
It doesn't matter how kind or smart or hard-working or creative you are, if you are fat too. That's just how things are. I have to exist in this fucked up society unless I just don't exist at all.
I'm sure being so fat doesn't help any of my other health issues. I've never really given much concern to my weight. Which is why I got so fat, I guess. Sugar addict, drunk, tweaker whatever. Addiction is addiction. You can tell a lot about a person by their body. Like, what they are addicted to and a lot of why people gravitate to certain drugs is because of certain traumas.
There's a whole science and pseudo-science around it. I don't really care. Maybe I should try that special diet that everyone else is on. You know, the one that keeps you up for days doing nothing really fast but you don't take time to eat. That thins you out fast, I know. Or just starve myself. Or just start puking after every meal. Funny that all those options ruin your teeth.
4:40 PM - Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2021
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