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textbook
There is drama with him always. Always. People throwing bricks through his window, people beating him up over drugs, people beating him up because he dated their ex-fiancé, going psycho and doing random destruction to public property, stealing bikes, and daughters growing up and becoming just like mom and just like dad. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, even if that tree has a state mandated order about how often it gets to visit its little apples.
I have a hard time deciphering his messages most of the time. Sometimes it's fun and he just makes me laugh. Other times it's just stressful. You make no sense. You try to make no sense because then it's like you didn't really say what you just said, it was in code and it was misinterpreted.
"I won’t do any more snickerin, sour pussed critical think backs, and severe hefty barbed wire tornado mind trash bag tossin."
I am not sure, exactly, what that means except he missed his calling as some sort of slam poet. That's pretty much how all his messages go all the time. I understand, but not really.
Being his friend is a full time job for me. Not really the one I wanted, not really the one I am qualified for, to be honest. I think he sees me and he sees my husband and he thinks we are the same person, which is very disturbing to me on many levels. My husband won't communicate with him, so I am not sure that I should be, either. I really always hope that people aren't just drug buddies, that they actually were friends, but I know I'm stupid like that. I never did drugs with him, so there's definitely a different dynamic.
I know I'm too crazy not to have friends that aren't crazy, but this just pushes that envelope right into the shredder.
How pathetic is it that I get down on myself for having such low self-esteem? Adding gasoline to a house fire.
And why am I so attracted to drama? What is drama except something going on? There's usually not anything going on with me. I don't deal with many people, I live a pretty quiet life overall. Am I really that bored? Am I boring? Is this what life after drugs is like? Just a little grey haired old lady feeding the birds every day? Living vicariously through old 20 year old dope fiend friends that aren't afraid to give in to total insanity?
People think I'm all mellow zen peacefulness and when things get too much for them, they come take some of that and leave. More accurately, they dump all their non-zen on me and it makes them lighter and then they leave and I have to clean it all up.
I have always liked how he just lives his life. I know that's sick, but his free-wheeling life hasn't been boring. Maybe it was OK when he was a teenager but now it seems he's all wrapped up in regret for living on the edge for so long with no real regard for himself or other people. I know we see what we want to see.
I need to get a life. I think I will, but then I always regret it. Take a class or go to an event or something where I try to mingle with people. But they are never my people and it just makes me feel worse. I have heard from shrinks so often that it's not good to be so isolated, so stuck in my own head. That we are social creatures and need to interact once in awhile. I really wonder if that's the best thing for me.
I've always felt trapped between the formal and the formally insane. I've never done anything as intense and free-spirited as my friend K but I seem to scare the shit out of the straight-edge working week crowd. It has made life very difficult.
Whose life isn't difficult, though?
They are building a giant liquor store about a half block from this house. It was a gas station a long time ago. My friend used to get her condoms from the vending machine in their bathroom because she was too embarrassed to buy an entire box. Ha. Teenagers. It was robbed many times by the "Hawkeye Bandit". A guy that wore an Iowa Hawkeye's jacket and ski mask to rob at gunpoint several gas stations in the area. He was never caught. Now it's going to be a huge liquor store.
You're really bringing it lord, aren't you? Good one, god. You're a real motherfucker. It's a good thing I don't believe you or I'd be pissed off right now.
1:23 PM - Saturday, Aug. 28, 2021
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