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stop counting the days
I've had an injury of one kind or another on my feet ever since I got here. Mostly just sores and blisters from walking around barefoot and moving everything around (this is a shoes off house, but I did recently buy a pair of crocs to wear as slippers when I do work inside. Inside shoes to try and prevent so many injuries).
Once I started digging the plants out of the yard my feet started to peel and crack and I had what I called "the grand canyon" in my foot. Infected blisters and tender feet from missing so many layers of skin. I gave up my rain boots and wore my sneakers last time, and it helped a little. I think the rainboots don't breathe enough.
Now my feet are healing up some but I got some weird bump right in the middle of my arch and every time I step down it feels like a needle is being shoved into my foot. We have broken tile by the kitchen, and it is constantly snagging my foot. I think that's what happened, but this time the pain is almost intolerable. I've had it snag my foot before, but not like this.
I made an appointment to get tested for thyroid and diabetes issues, or to see if I had some horrible foot bacteria or something. But I know all the tests are going to be negative, they always are. It's just part of my birth defect, I think.
I finally found the proper name for it. Ectodermal dysplasia. How awful would it be to be that kid that has a picture on wikipedia to display what a disease looks like? Talk about looking someone up in the dictionary and having their picture next to it. Talk about feeling like the elephant man or a circus freak.
I wish I had been educated about this better earlier in life. I don't know why I wasn't.
I had to work through the pain in my foot clean the cat boxes today. Friday is cat box cleaning day. It's a lot of going up and down stairs. My foot hurts so much I'm seeing stars. Then I sit down and get an email from shithead saying he wishes he could be a better dad, that some guy took his daughter out in the woods, dosed her "and other stuff". He said he's so angry about it and also upset his kids don't know who their dad is.
Why the hell does he contact me only when bad things happen? Why is that my lot in life? WTF am I supposed about to do about it? Tell him it's OK? Because it's not OK. Not on any level. Be a better dad if you want to be a better dad. Like he's never taken advantage of a woman through drugs? I know for a fact that he had a list of women that would have sex with him in exchange for drugs. Maybe he feels guilty. Maybe he should. I don't even know what to say to him. I knew I'd be getting an email very soon. I could feel that desperation in the universe. That unique feeling I get from him that no one else care but he thinks I do. I'm not his fucking mother.
I have nothing for anyone anymore. I'll have to think about it, but I don't know what to say. I don' t want to be in this position anymore.
And my middle brother decided to drink again, started calling me 3, 4. 5 times a day drunk. He got into outpatient rehab now and he seems better, but this is 3, 4, 5 (or according to my oldest brother 8) times he's gone through rehab and he still drinks.
Again...what do all these people want from me? They want to dump their sorrow on me and walk away and when I need someone, I got no one.
I think I'm going to sleep the rest of the day away.
2:18 PM - Friday, Aug. 27, 2021
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