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subject to the moon phases
I'm avoiding my email today. I don't think someone that doesn't have OCD / impulse control issues understands what that means. How difficult that one little non-action is. It's torture.
Firstly, I am trying to stop checking it fifty times a day. I don't really know the exact amount, but it's a lot. Too much. I have always wanted to be the kind of person that can check an email once a day or twice, even, and be OK with that. Not have that little nagging voice in the back of my head going...you're going to miss something important. You're going to make so and so think you're ignoring them. You have obligations. You have to pay your bills. You need to connect and things like that. There's a whole litany of things that go through my head at lightning speed every day all the time. It's never ever quiet.
Sometimes I check it and not even realize I've logged on and am checking it. It's like step back from myself and go...whoa, how did I get here?
I was thinking about the brain of someone with ADHD and how it's got to be the opposite of OCD in some ways. I know I can usually focus with laser intensity on something. A thought, a process, anything that may be in front of me. And tune everything else in the world out at the same time. But an ADHD brain is just going non-stop one thought to another. That happens when I get manic or hypomanic even, but I don't believe it's my normal resting state. To have that be your normal resting state must be horribly un-restful.
I'm mostly avoiding my email because I need a break from my friend that keeps popping in and out of my life. Long distance friendships suck. Having 99% of your friends/ acquaintances be severely mentally ill addicts sucks. I am really horrible at giving up on relationships. If it were up to me, I would still have most of the people I've loved in my life. They talk about the INFJ doorslam, and I've done that to an extent, but I always. Always. Always open that door back up. Because as my mantra goes, I'm a fool, a sap, a loser that loves too much and is always willing to forgive any betrayal eventually.
I have been considering getting a cell phone again so we can text and that's probably a bad idea. I realize this, so I haven't yet, but it's disturbing to me how I can even consider such a thing.
This MF is the moodiest person I have ever met in my entire life. He's even moodier than me, and that is frightening. I would like to him be in my life forever. I could really use a good friend. I would like to see him get off the hard stuff and get his life together somewhat. Be able to keep a relationship going. Be a father to his kids. Focus on his art and things that can build him up instead of breaking him down.
Maybe this is how all those people that wrote me out of their lives felt about me.
2:30 PM - Tuesday, Jul. 27, 2021
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