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all over the place
I miss Roch in the way that I could step out my door and be downtown in less than ten minutes. I'd walk around and eventually I'd run into Big K. More often than not, anyway. He's been hanging out in the same places for the past 25 years.
And yes, I realize how really pathetic that is. Sometimes I would see him sitting on a bench that I remember he was sitting on when he was 17 years old and it was cringe worthy.
Sometimes I would just wave hi and sometimes I would go over to him and talk but it always made me really happy and relaxed me and excited me and kept me going on for another day. No matter what was going on with him, whether he was psychotic or high or dope sick or sad or somewhat ok, it was nice to see him.
I went for a walk here tonight. Just a loop around the 'hood. It's weird because I grew up here, but it just doesn't feel like home. It never did, which is part of why I left. It's comfortable enough, but it's not home and it usually just makes me feel down. But I'm fat and I need to force myself to get more exercise, so I walked.
I found some videos by a woman named Susan Winters. She's probably running some weird cult or something, but her messages helped me feel better. It's OK to be in mourning over a relationship.
The thing is, I would leave everything I have, pack a bag, and go to wherever he is now to spend as much time with him as he would let me spend. I would do the drugs and get all crazy and all that shit that I have been trying to avoid in my life for a long time now.
I am so very unhappy, and I know this isn't going to happen, but if the opportunity somehow presented itself, I would take it.
In a weird meditative time-warp moment of clarity I had it all figured out. Why have I thought of this person on and off since I met him almost 30 years ago? Why does he keep showing up in my life every five, ten years, drop a bomb and leave again? Why did I wait to try so hard to be friends until I knew that I was leaving town? Why have I always cared about him even though he is no good?
Karma with a capital K. I know I knew this MF in a former incarnation. It didn't end well then, and it's not going so great now either. But I guess it doesn't matter now. I don't think I am going to ever hear from him again, let alone see him. I am not going to initiate any more communication.
People can only deal with what's right in front of their face. People want easy and straight forward and I'm crazy and complicated. It's a rare person that has dedication and can see past immediate gratification. People only want to invest their time if there is some sort of return. And I think that most people need to learn to give without expecting to get.
It's late. I haven't been feeling well. I've overworked myself. I drink too much coffee and I think it's given me high blood pressure. I started drinking it every day to try to keep up with my doper husband. I had to be ready to deal with his psychosis at any moment. But, I don't have to do that now. So I need to stop drinking coffee for awhile.
I stopped doing drugs a while back and I started drinking booze. And I can't kick that. Not that booze was an acceptable substitution, but at the time it worked. Now I've got health issues from the bottle and I have to try to get healthier.
I keep thinking of Scott Weiland. He was 48 when he died. That's about 4 years older than me. And I keep thinking shit, what if I only have 4 years left?
And I keep thinking of NIN lyrics...."I want to do something that matters..."
I keep having tremors, heart issues, dizzy spells. I don't want to carry on the family tradition of dropping dead in this house. Despite all my dark moods I still want to be a shrunken shriveled old lady in the woods and die many many many years from now.
I need to take better care of myself and I need to focus on the things I care about. Anyone that wants to come into my life is welcome, but I can't waste time on bullshit. You either care, of you don't. You either do something, or you don't. Not everything in life is black and white. But some things are for sure.
10:42 PM - Monday, Jun. 28, 2021
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