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garbage to the third power
I keep finding more and more things to donate or give away here. It's like a magician's scarf. They pull it out from their pocket and it's not just a little pocket square, no, it's scarf tied to scarf tied to scarf and it seems endless and it just keeps coming.
That's what it feels like having to live here, having to clean out a lifetime of other people's things. I've been at it less than a year, but already I know that I never want to do this again. I was anxious for this process to be done long before I even started. I was dreading it so much I made bad decisions on where I lived and what I did. I hate this. I don't know how Curiosity Inc and other antique dealers do this time and time again.
It's easier when it's not family, I'm sure. I feel like a big a-hole, but I have to make the hard decisions. I'm the only one in my family that is capable of doing so, and that is pretty sad.
It's sad that I am one of the most sane and responsible people in my family, because I am pretty much a loser as far as society is concerned. A total crazy brained loser.
There are really nice things here. Things that I could probably use, or that I just think are neat. But lately I see something and I think...do I want to have to move this with me again? Is it worth having to wrap up and take from place to place to place for the rest of my life?
Most of the time, the answer is NO. I see now why some people end up living in a basically empty apartment or house. It's the natural reaction to being in a hoard environment your entire life. One extreme to the other.
I don't think I will ever get to that extreme, but I am getting to be way more of a minimalist than I ever thought I would be. My sentimentality has been stripped down to the studs, really.
My personal life is shit. My life is shit. The other day, there were 3 moments when I realized that no one gives a shit about you while you are alive, and once you are dead, all you are, all you were, and anything you might have cared about is just garbage.
The huge computer desk we had to move outside was so beat up by the time we got it down the stairs we had to break it up and throw it away. It's MDF anyway, but still. Garbage.
The junk shop I hired to take everything in the garage said he'd just throw everything away. He took all the valuable stuff in round one, and a week later he came to clear out the rest of the stuff and he said it was garbage. I asked him to just leave it and I would find a home for things but by the time he said that he had already loaded up most of his truck and he wouldn't stop. So, probably most of those things are landfill now and I couldn't really stop it. Things held onto for generations, for no real reason, but still...garbage.
And finally, we put out lots of metal utility shelves and metal file cabinets for free and some crazy fuck came by and took it all by overloading his one little pick up. I'm assuming he took it all to the scrap metal place. Useful things that should have been reused, basically are just more garbage.
That's life. Garbage. Things. Shit. Life is shit. Nothing we do matters except to us. I really don't see the point to existence except I am here, so what the hell else am I supposed to do?
And on that cheery note, I'll go find some more meaninglessness to consume my day. I would really love to have some fun. I can't even remember the last time I had fun.
2:56 PM - Saturday, Jun. 26, 2021
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