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pop culture references
I am happy to hear of the guilty verdict in all 3 counts against the cop that killed George Floyd. I don't have anything else to say about that right now. For someone that tries my hardest to NOT follow the news like, at all, things still filter in. Of course it's hard to ignore the news when it's happening right outside your bedroom window. It's so quiet here compared to what I had to go through about one year ago.
No word about Swan's funeral. It doesn't really matter I guess. Life is for the living and I'm happy she does not have to deal with this awful day to day life bullshit anymore.
Yeah, there's so much beauty in the world but there is lots and lots of horrible shit too.
"Trying to stay positive despite all that could point me opposite."
Send off an email. No response. Didn't really expect one. I can take the hint. It just takes me awhile. I am trying to look forward to a life with less drama. A life where I can just take care of ME and not every single other person in my life.
When shit gets bad enough, I might hear from him, but that doesn't mean I have to respond. He'll disappear for another five, ten years. Show up. Go away. Show up. That's how it goes.
I am more than willing to just accept people for who they are. So, he says he was programmed to be a meth addict from the first day his mom put him on Ritalin (snuck it in his food) and he uses that as an excuse to justify his adult addictions.
Everyone has reasons. They all have reasons. Don't let it turn into an excuse. Know the difference. At a certain point, that knowledge should help you change, not enable you to keep going down a path that you were programmed to follow.
But OK, my opinion aside, you want to be an addict, you are an addict. You think staying away from me is protecting me. Maybe so. Probably so. I shouldn't be angry that every man in my life has done everything they can to protect me from harsh reality. I know there are a lot of women in the world that aren't so lucky. So I try see the positive.
But it feels like being lied to. I hate that. Give me the truth and let me deal with it now, because I will eventually find out later and that makes it worse, because then not only does it ruin any happiness that existed because I know it was fake, but I now have to deal with being lied to AND I have to deal with reality, but not on the right time line.
It makes sense to me, ok...even if I am not very articulate about it.
But this generous protection makes me feel helpless. And it doesn't really work. I know what's going on. Even if I don't know the full story. It makes me feel like some weak cartoon-ish princess archetype. Like getting kidnapped and hauled off to some castle and I expect some plumber brothers to save me?
And I see that I was programmed a long time ago to that he's a rebel type. Like that song. Just because he doesn't do what everybody else does that's no reason why I can't give him all my love. A bad boy with a heart of gold. Yeah...that's some dangerous fantasy bullshit that has pretty much tainted my life. Like Lisa Simpson loving Nelson. Not good for anyone involved.
I guess I will just take this "self reflection time" to do just that. Learn the reasons and not let them turn into excuses.
What good is an artist that doesn't draw. A writer that doesn't write. A drunk that doesn't drink. Being an addict shouldn't be an art form.
I hate feeling like such a loser. I don't get to keep people in my life. They are all just passing through and are happy to go. Happy to never have to see or even think of me ever again. And I never can stop. I still think about people I went to elementary school with. I wish I could get some serious brain damage so I wouldn't have to remember anything ever again.
3:00 PM - Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2021
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