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So, Swan passed away Monday night. Definitely feeling one less person in our lives. Most of the people I know and associate with are such unique individuals it feels like the world is really missing something when they move on.
We bought a few trees in Superior Forest in Swan's name. It's through Arbor Day. Anyone can do this living memorial. I did it when my Grandma died and when my husband's aunt died. I forgot to do it for my parents, but I guess since I am here planting trees on the property and taking care of the very neglected garden and yard, that is going to be my living tribute. If there was anything like a "legacy" in my family, it would be this property, and the yard my Mom (and Dad, to an extent) worked so hard to build up. There are some rare, and endangered plants here, and it's good for me to be able to help keep them alive.
I went on Facebook to post about the trees at my husband's request. I really only go on there when I need to get hold of someone right away. Sadly, most people jump at getting contacted on FB. I am kind of shocked at how little people are mourning Swan. But I can't hold FB to be some sort of standard. I hope that in her little Alaskan community, people are getting together and helping each other out.
I don't really feel like anyone is helping us through this, but then again I have given up on anyone ever helping me out ever over anything. Whenever I have ever needed someone the most, no one has been there, and that's just a harsh reality of life.
I would like to know when the funeral is, not like we can go, but to be there in spirit would be nice. Swan's ashes are supposed to be spread at Bishop's Beach there in Homer. The "spit". A little inland peninsula area there in southern Alaska. It was a really special place for Swan and she went there all the time. I don't know if that's legal up there, or if they are just going to get away with that or if plans will have to be changed, but I hope they can spread her ashes there since it goes out to sea.
It's a little late, but I am finally getting the gender specific pronouns right. I'm just slow at lots of things.
I've been conflicted about contacting my friend Big K. I was considering sending him my husband's cell phone number, but I guess if he wanted him to have his number he would have given it to him, himself. I could give out the land line, but I don't want to actually talk to him, on the off chance that he might call, but I know he would not. I could email, or I could write a letter. Or I could just take this an opportunity to disappear and finally get away from some seriously fucked up karma.
My husband is long off the meth now. Now he's on the big pharma and he's sleeping 18+ a day and sweating through his clothes at least twice a day and having mild seizures a few times a week. He barely loses consciousness, but he always ends up falling on the floor and hitting his head.
I've just resolved myself to the fact that he will eventually hit his head so hard he won't wake up, or he will be without oxygen for too long or he will have a heart attack and he will die. Most likely right in front of me, and I'll be helpless to do anything about it.
I hope eventually he will recover from all the shit he put his body through. He did before, and it took some time, but that was nothing compared to the amounts he was doing recently. I really think he fried his brain, his lungs, and he probably won't ever be healthy again.
You can't abuse your body for most of your life and not expect consequences. I know Swan really pushed the limits of what a human body could endure sometimes and unfortunately, those actions were passed down to her son, my husband.
So I wait to contact Big K, because the last thing I need is for him to influence my husband to go back to those habits. I know they just fed those bad habits in each other. "Drug buddy" isn't really a good enough description of their relationship, but it's close enough for me to just let all that go.
It's too bad, but most things in life are too bad, so sad.
I'm glad Swan got to see my husband get off the meth. I was so desperate I was calling her and messaging her. I don't know why I thought she could do anything to help, but I guess no one else really gave a shit at all. I may have concerned her more than I should, but I am grateful for the little bit of support I got, because that's ALL I got from anyone.
Mourning sucks. I am sick of doing it. So I go out in the yard and that helps some.
And I wait and try to just exist in this waiting room. Trying not to be too anxious for what comes next.
1:53 PM - Friday, Apr. 16, 2021
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