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from broken crockery to this
Dress shirts or anything with a collar. I hate them. They are uncomfortable. They look awful on me. I hate them so much. They represent a class of society I have NEVER been in and every time I wear them I feel like a fake.
I hate anything that rubs on my neck, either the back or the front. Most of my tops are v-neck or wide crew neck as well, because if they aren't, I will pull on them and stretch them out. I can NOT handle having something choking me or rubbing my neck or making me feel constricted in any way.
I also hate high-waisted pants. Who am I, that nerdy kid from the 90s who always asked for cheese? I don't really care that I have a big gut. I hate having my gut squished. If I cared about being fat, I'd do something about it, and not keep eating donuts and sugar. I have a hard time finding pants that fit because I like to wear them right above my hips, and for fat women, that's hard to find because you're supposed to act like you're skinny even when you're not by squishing and pushing your body into uncomfortable shapes so you can be attractive. I really don't care. I really would like it if no one ever noticed me ever again.
I am so done with humanity.
Maybe I should have the goal to be one of those fat people that can't leave their bed. The kind of fat where they have to knock a wall of your house out to drag your bloated body to the crematorium with a crane. The kind of fat where they need a double wide furnace to even burn your remains.
I read a journal a long time ago about a woman who used to be really fat, and then got dangerously thin, and the comparison on how people treated her in each stage of her life. She said when you're fat, people give you space, they don't want to get near you. Like the fat will rub off on them. I talk about people staying away once they learn someone is mentally ill because they are afraid they will catch crazy, well she seemed think people were afraid they'd catch "fat". It's probably partly why some people get fat, to protect themselves from anyone wanting to be near them.
Polo shirts are evil. Take a nice t-shirt and put a collar and a few buttons on it. Now you look like a fucking moron. Like a store manager on a day off. Are you dressed up, or not? Polo shirts are for people that can't mellow out. Ever. Because if they did they'd go off the deep end and be serial murderers or something.
Pants and dresses without pockets. Where the hell am I supposed to put my lip chap and my handkerchief if I don't have any pockets? No matter how nice these are, if they don't have pockets, I won't wear them.
Leggings are not pants. I wish people would stop wearing them as if they weren't glorified tights. If I wear leggings, it's only so I can wear my mini skirts or capri pants in the winter OVER the leggings. They don't have pockets, so they aren't outer wear. They are basically like long johns without the waffle knit. And they have to be cotton, and good cotton, otherwise I feel like my legs are two sausages in casing. I prefer to wear sweater socks, but when it's really cold, leggings will do. Capri length leggings? Not sure what those are good for, because you have to wear long sweater socks with them anyway to keep the lower half of your leg warm. Maybe they'd be OK in the summer if you want to bike in a skirt, but then there's bike shorts, which, if you're not riding a bike, then I don't understand that either. Why are you wearing them if you're not being active in a skirt and you don't want it to fly up?
Skorts are awesome. They look like skirts but have shorts attached inside. Really great for fatties like me that look awful in shorts but are too active to just wear miniskirts.
I used to just wear mini skirts all the time, but I must be getting old because if I go out now, I wear something under them. (Leggings, bike shorts). I'm just old and fat now. And that's OK.
And all my clothes have to be comfortable without a bra, even if I wear one, because I fucking hate those things and always have and I won't wear them every chance I get. The link between nylon and breast cancer has been documented and I only reluctantly have had to start wearing them in the last ten years because I have gotten so fat it's better to be uncomfortable for a short while physically than to have people staring at me. And I special order the 99% cotton ones in the insanely expensive and the insanely huge size I need that I can't find the store and it makes me wonder where the women who are way fatter than me get their bras? I would like to have little nothing A cups but I'd have to be skinny, and even then I think genetics are stacked against me.
I see women (and men) fatter than me every day. Like, humpty dumpty fat, and I honestly wonder where they get their clothes? Bras, pants, etc... because I feel like I have to order most of my clothes, and I'm way smaller than them, so where is the secret stash of fat clothes in this society? Is there a warehouse in the desert full of 3X and up sized clothes?
Really the best solution is not to go out. Stay inside with elastic pants, v-neck t-shirts, dirty cardigan sweaters, long socks. Eat lots of snacks and put sugar in the coffee. No matter what I wear, it seems people stare at me like I have two heads so fuck it all. I am a professional crazy person and I'm done wearing clothes I hate.
I won't be owning any collared dress shirts or dresses without pockets and I don't own shoes I can't go into the woods in. It's a luxury I get to have right now. I don't know if social security will exist forever, but my goals for this year are to make the most of all the few opportunities I have been given.
I get to be a crazy person, so I'll dress like one. I have to live in a city, fine. I will order tons of vegan snacks from Whole Foods and have it brought right to my front door. I will barely leave my house and work on getting tabloid sized until I can retire in the woods where I will be eaten by wolves (or maybe bears). Really that's my life's goal. To be a good meal for a deep woods animal. It gives my life meaning. Something to strive for.
12:52 PM - Saturday, Feb. 06, 2021
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