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the day after today
Seems I am the only user online right now. That's OK. I need to learn to be alone.
So, my husband started hearing people in the house arguing, plotting to kill him, and mocking him. He was so convinced that our house was bugged that he started tearing the place apart. He got rid of anything he was given or found while here in Denver, thinking that was the item that was bugged. He took our modem, wrapped it in foil and buried it in a bunch of paper in a box. He was convinced the neighbors were going to sniper him, so he put metal folding chairs in the window to slow the bullets. He put metal tape over every little hole in the wall, thinking there is a spy camera there. He thinks the people upstairs drilled a hole in the ceiling and are spying on him in the toilet.
He was repeating everything he "heard" and then responding to it. The voices never stopped, not for an instant, and he kept getting more and more aggravated. He was screaming almost all day, all night. I was on my knees begging him to please stop yelling. He said he needed them to just shut up and he could sleep and be OK, but they never did.
He would try to sleep, and jump up again and again because "they" are trying to kill him. He was running around the house trying to find a "safe" place to sleep, and he couldn't. He felt he couldn't go for a walk because they were following him everywhere.
Finally he went to a hotel because I couldn't take anymore. I begged him to get some help, but what finally made him go was the voices followed him to the hotel. He's still convinced that there is a major gang stalking him, that they have surveillance in the hotel, and someone does want to kill him.
He didn't feel any safer at the hotel than he did at the apartment, and he didn't think he could wander around town all night because they are following him, so I said that maybe he should go to the hospital for a 72 hour hold because he'd be safe there.
I got him to go, but they only kept him for 24 hours. However, they did give him a ten day supply of an anti-psychotic, and it has calmed him down. He can sleep at least. He is beginning to think that there may be a CHANCE that what he's hearing is not outside his own head. Deep down he still thinks someone (many people, actually) are out to shoot him in the head. But every night he makes it through and every night that he does, I think he begins to believe more that he's sick.
It's been hell for me. We hired movers to pack and move all of our stuff tomorrow. It cost over $7000. We are almost broke. I have to move into my parents' house and skip out on my lease here and just run. I have to drive across the country. Again. What is that, like 4 times this year?
And today it's 92 degrees. Tomorrow is supposed to be a high of 37 and we are supposed to get 3-7 inches of snow. Great. It's hot as hell every single day we are here, and the day we are supposed to get out of town, we get weather? WTF! Seriously. Am I cursed, or just totally stupid or massively unlucky?
My husband is convinced that if he can get somewhere with less people, get to the woods, and be in a house again, not an apartment, it will help. I agree. Denver has broken me down too, but he is in a really dangerous place mentally now. I was worried about this, and this is just far, far worse than I ever thought it would be.
He's never had an episode like this. He's been off the meth for a few weeks now. I'm sure it's making things harder for him, even though it's long overdue. And I am sure it's part of why things have gotten so bad for him too.
Ironically, the only reason he quit was because he thought the people following him and spying on him were trying to get some evidence against him to make it so his case with the curfew violation doesn't get dismissed. He was too scared to do meth.
I hope we can get out of town by Thursday at the latest. Every day we are in town I am worried he's going to lose it and get committed. The ER doctor said she thinks he needed to be committed, but she said she was willing to let him out with a prescription if I took care of him. But I can't anymore. It's better than it was a few days ago, but he's still very paranoid and I can barely be around him.
Even after all this, I don't have it in me to say yes, lock him up in a mental hospital.
I talked to him on the phone today and we decided I shouldn't go to the hotel today. He can't be around anyone right now. No more people than he has to be. Including me. And really that's OK. He made me so sleep deprived and I am so sick now. And scared. He totally convinced me our house was bugged and people were following him and I don't know why I let him do that.
I don't know why I let myself give into his delusions instead of just calling the cops and getting him dragged into the hospital. Everyone told me that if I can't do that, I should just leave. But finally, finally, finally he went in voluntarily.
I can't believe he went. He tried to run once he was in there, but he calmed down enough to get evaluated and get some meds and some sleep. They were really nice to let him stay there overnight. They don't usually do that, but I think the doctor was doing it for me, mostly, so I could sleep and so I could bring him home to the Midwest where we belong in a few days.
I hope we make it. I asked Big K if he would send good energy. I even asked my husband's dad to send good energy. I need anyone who pretends to give a shit to send good energy because I was beyond my breaking point about a year ago, and now I am hanging by sparking shredded wires.
My husband said he wants to see a shrink, that he wants to keep taking his medicine, that he also wants a therapist, and he wants to stay off meth. He also said he wants to quit drinking and smoking, but one battle at a time, I told him.
We have ten days (nine now) to get him to a shrink to get him more medicine. I hope things will change. Change for the better.
Big K started going off on how he can't get too involved because it will drag him down and I snapped back that all I asked for was some good thoughts and if that's too much then just don't fucking bother.
I have never felt so alone in my life. I just pray that I make it through the day. Every day I pray to the void that I make it through the day and that my loved ones make it through the day and it just keeps going like that day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day.
2:46 PM - Monday, Sept. 07, 2020
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