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no words really
I got so dangerously drunk last night. I guess I bumped the shelf above the toilet and the packs of razor blades fell into the toilet and I just flushed them down. Or tried to. I woke up this morning wondering why the toilet was clogged, and my husband said the tupperware was in the garbage, a pack of blades was on the ground, and the rest were missing. In the toilet line.
When he said that, I had a vague memory of seeing them in the bowl and flipping out. I guess I flushed them down, because I was basically on black out already. I hope I washed my hands after grabbing the tupperware out of the bowl.
I also played the stereo so loud someone banged on the door. I didn't answer it, though. I turned the music way down and yelled "So sorry, I'm drunk. Soorrrrayyyyyy." I remember that. I didn't hear the knocking, but my husband did and said we had company. I guess they left.
So I had to pay $240 to get the toilet snaked out and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack this morning. I haven't been this hung over in a long time. I have no idea when I passed out. I made it to bed. I have no memory of taking my clothes off and sleeping, but I woke up in bed.
Fucking pathetic. I just can't handle this shit anymore. I do remember my husband saying he couldn't be here and leaving. He got in about 8 AM. I don't know when he left, but I do know this is day 3 of no sleep for him. He looks about as shitty as I feel.
Getting quotes for movers to take my stuff to my parent's house. I don't have the energy to do it myself this time. I still have to drive across the country with my cat. Probably bring my husband too. I am going to try to get him into rehab or at least to see a mental health professional, but I'd like it to be in the same city I live in. At least the same state. No one should be abandoned here. It's beyond awful.
And I'd like to find a therapist as well. And possibly even a doctor to get some lithium or something to combat the mood instability that has gotten quite out of control. The stress doesn't help.
The plumber was chatting with me and said that it must be pretty "wild" living in this neighborhood this summer. That's one way of putting it. At least the BLM camp is gone from the end of the block now. They were camped at the governor's mansion at the end of my street and they weren't letting anyone get around them without bullshit.
If I stay here much longer, I'm going to die. There's no way around it.
4:05 PM - Saturday, Aug. 29, 2020
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