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a fire in two houses
yesterday, wtf. husband stayed out pretty much for 42 hours straight. then he comes home and insists he has evidence to support his bug infestation theory so he takes a cab to YET ANOTHER emergency room. I don't go with him because I know exactly how that's going to go down. And of course I get a call from the ER doctor telling me it's her professional opinion that he's having an uncontrolled psychotic episode, that she sees no evidence that bugs are inhabiting his body and I need to talk him into seeing a shrink because he's not a harm to himself or others and they can't keep him there.
No new story to tell. Same shit, different day.
I've begged and begged for him to go to a shrink, to check himself into care, to go to rehab...anywhere, ANYWHERE there is a mental health professional that can help him so he can feel better and stop being so sick and miserable. But nope. Not going to happen. And I'm done trying. You can lead a horse to water, but you have to bash it's skull in to make it stop being crazy.
And then for the hours I am home waiting to hear from the hospital, I get texts from Big K back in Roch telling me things like "pooped myself on purpose" and yet again WTF?!
I'd like to say he was just kidding around in his weird nonsensical humor style, but nope. I didn't want details and even asking "Why would you do that?" seemed too difficult. Because what would he say. I didn't want to know. So I just asked if he was OK and was there anything I could do to help and that's the last I've heard from him since.
I am really truly sick of everyone in my life being severely fucked in the head. And I mean everyone. Every single one.
"Worthless to Society" is another text I got. And I don't know what to say to that except yeah, we all are, brotherman fuckhead. What do you want me to do about it?
Been looking at apartments back in Roch for me. Just me. And probably my cat. The cheapest I can find will leave me about $100 out of my SSDI. Until medicare kicks in. Then I couldn't afford it at all. I mean, I should qualify for the state to pay my medicare monthly payments and I should also get some food stamps and I do have half the money from the sale of my house but still....
Maybe being alone and in poverty is what I need. You can't buy booze with no money. No manic/depressive spending sprees when you got nothing.
When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.
Yeah yeah yeah it could always be worse. I don't want to see what that's gonna look like, OK?
10:59 PM - Thursday, Aug. 13, 2020
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