-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
as fickle as fate
"Perfect little dream. The Kind that hurts the most. Forgot how it feels. Well, almost." --NIN
When the stress gets too much, it's too easy to escape into extreme fantasy. Wishing for things I don't want. A dream that was superimposed upon my life. I flit in and out of it from time to time. Sometimes daily, sometimes I don't see it around for years. Sometimes the characters change. The themes get shifted. As fickle as fate.
Learned to not want what I couldn't have. Not sure what is real and what is just a reaction. And in times of extreme stress I don’t care. It soothes, this dream. It’s silly and totally unreal.
Living in the little house with the dancing people painted on the cabinets. Doing dishes by hand, looking out over the garden that fills the backyard. There’s large trees in front. There’s chalk drawings on the sidewalk. A cat in a chair. He repairs bikes for at risk youth. The spare parts fill the garage. The basement is a painting studio that we share. I stay up late at night writing in the living room once everyone is a sleep. There are children here. They are healthy and smart and the world isn’t ending, so they have a future. They get taught punk rock songs to sing at talent shows. They get given knives as birthday presents and each year I make them a cake from scratch. There’s not much money but there’s a unity that was always lacking in my life. There’s a sense of peace even though there is something planned for every single day. And homemade tattoos and extra weight fade because there is a connection that gets stronger every day. And it’s not something either of us thought we could have. Or maybe we thought we didn’t deserve it. Or something else.
It’s silly. It’s totally unreal. It’s not me. It’s not him. Or us. Or any of it. It’s not ever going to happen. And in these dark times it’s where my mind always goes because it’s so completely the opposite of reality.
It helps just as much as it hurts.
10:02 PM - Monday, Apr. 06, 2020
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------