-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
there be no comfort here
I think I am dying. Picked up a URI/ sinus infection somewhere. My throat was so swollen last night even swallowing saliva made me cry in pain. I went out this morning to get some organic raw honey. It helped pretty much immediately. Sorry, bees. I am desperate. I can’t save you anyway, you know we are all totally fucked. It’s not like I am going to make a habit out of using honey. I rarely have such a sore throat. It’s medicine, and I am thankful for all your hard work, little bees.
Everything comes at the expensive of something else. Everything. The worse life gets, the easier it is to make excuses as to why it’s OK. You know exactly what I fucking mean, so don’t pretend you don’t. Maybe you don’t. I don’t know. Lucky you.
Of course now I am dehydrated. And I get a voice mail from my insurance saying they have “important information” and I am supposed to call them back. But it was a recorded message, so WTF now. Now I have to worry about this shit? I love how all these government places like to drop a bomb on you on Friday, and you have to stew about it all weekend while they are all off la-di-da-ing. If I find out this surgery I just had isn’t covered for some FUCKED reason, I am just going to lose it. If I have to go to the clinic and yet again fill out the financial assistance forms, I don’t know what will happen.
Every few weeks, it seems, all I ever do, is fill out pages and pages of government forms with the exact same information again and again and again and it’s been going on for about 25 years now and I do not see an end in sight. I just filled out about twenty pages of government forms this week, plus had to go through almost 200 pages of medical records to copy and mail in and I just can’t deal with this.
I got sick of hearing my husband constantly whine about how he is broke, how he has no money, how he has no money to buy drugs, so I wrote him a check for five thousand dollars and said to do whatever he wanted with it. That shut him up. For now. Literally. There was a moment of silence. I don’t know if he said thank you or not. It’s a very expensive experiment on my part to see where that money goes, how fast it goes, and what exactly happens when it is gone. Honestly, if he overdoses and dies, that’s just one less person in my life I have to put up with.
That’s just where it all is.
10:47 PM - Friday, Nov. 15, 2019
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------