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all part of the fun
Can a pair of jeans give someone anxiety? Been trying to wear some of these clothes I've been buying over the years and I find most of them are extremely uncomfortable, to the point where I don't feel like myself and rip them off in favor of my usual uniforms. I don't want to get used to feeling like that. I can't do that right now. I think I will end up donating whatever my husband can't wear. Pass things onto the homeless or something.
I am going to have to take time off coffee. It is giving me major anxiety. Skipping meals and replacing it with several cups of espresso is a bad idea. Something I would have NEVER thought of doing a year ago. I can see my heartbeat in my throat. I have dark circles under my eyes. When I try to draw a breath, it feels like the tops of my lungs have been cut off. I ate some lettuce, brewed some chamomile/ dandelion tea, and used my salt pipe. Feeling a little better, but I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep up with my husband. Not eating. Not sleeping. Speeding through the night. That's just not possible for me and my sensitive nature. I have a to-do list that is growing, not shrinking, very little assistance, and less and less time all the time in which to get it all done.
I aired out the house today, and now it's really cold in here. (58 is not "really cold" but it's about the point where I usually turn on the heat.) I don't know if having everything open all morning helped or not.
I had therapy on Monday and the shrink says I have "depersonalization" issues. That feeling like my soul is trying to escape through the top of my head, but there's a skull there so it just gets pushed back down, giving me bad pressure on the top of my head and brain zaps, tingling scalp, face, hands and a weird floating feeling where I am not sure what is a dream and what is reality. And if it lasts more than a few minutes I freak out because it's terrifying not knowing who I am, what is real, where I am, or what of my senses I can trust. And it feels like it's never going to stop.
And it's been happening so often lately. I hope cutting back on the caffeine will be a good start to that feeling stopping. Maybe it's just part of being sober and I will get over this too.
4:48 PM - Wednesday, Oct. 23, 2019
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