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craigslist pod people
The house where we went to buy the laptop is going to give me nightmares. They had tons of counter space in their kitchen, but the only thing on the counter was a k-cup coffee machine. The entire house was like that. It looked staged. Not lived in at all. There was a photo of 3 little boys on the wall, but I saw zero evidence that there was any life in the house. It was like being at a clinic. It reeked of off-gassing. The few items in the home were all store bought. There was not one original item in that place. I think that photo of the kids was fake. They are pod people. No human beings can live like that. Right? I guess I would rather have an older house with all it's flaws, because it has character too. Not some hermetically sealed prefab shitbox. So, I am glad I can see that. And I know I'm a whiny little bitch. How many people do I know that don't have anywhere to stay and are always begging to move in here. Too many.
I know I'm manic as fuck. That is so totally obvious. But that place, those people, that was just the last straw. I don't know if I am going to get to sleep tonight. I'm scared of the nightmares. Over the past few weeks, I have been staying up later and later, waking up later and later. I feel a flip around coming. Where I stay up all night, sleep during the day, and then slowly go back to "normal". I've done it before, when I didn't have to work. My husband stayed up 9 out of 31 days last month. No sleep. I keep my mouth shut but I'm sick of sleeping alone. I don't know why I'm keeping track. To show him someday? To keep tabs in case he has a total freak out and I have to tell a doctor? To show myself what a fucking fool I am when everything is settled? My point is...if I do a flip around, he'll be right there with me, just like before.
I am so totally sober and it's fucking with my head. I called this group my therapist said would help me apply for SSDI and the bitch I talked to said I hadn't been sober long enough. NOT SOBER ENOUGH. I chewed her out politely and hung up. Yet another case of not enough. Yet another thing I was told would be easy, and it wasn't and I will have to do it by myself. Everyone is a fucking liar and nothing is easy.
I can't even do simple things like go to the grocery store anymore. I went there yesterday for a gallon of distilled water for my neti pot and I got a cart full of everything BUT water. My head feels like it's loose. I feel like I'm burning from the inside. My body is literally restless. I am tapping my fingers, shaking my legs like I'm a teenager or something. I keep getting a weird feeling like the skin on my scalp gets pulls tight and then slowly releases and it tingles. Like a brain zap, but external. It's really hard to explain. Lights are too bright. Greens look wrong.
I went for a walk last night, and I saw some girl passed out at the gas station, being dragged by both arms by two people who were trying to help put her in a car driven by what looked like a mom. I saw my some guy that looked like he got struck by lightning sitting on the steps of the closed down Subway Restaurant smoking a cigarette in the dark and I thought it was my friend, but I didn't want to get involved, so I kept walking. I went to St. Mary's park because I wanted to overlook the city and see all the lights, but when I got there the park was pitch black, but I could see shadows of people crawling around. Black on black. People running low to the ground and creeping like animals. I don't know if there were people there, or if I was just hallucinating, but I was alone, and I didn't want to risk it.
It's been hot and really really humid and I am so sick of it. It's so uncomfortable and it's not helping me at all. We aren't going to get a proper fall. It's going to go from Indian summer straight into winter. I can't stop my thoughts. I can't keep up with them right now. Suppose that means they will run me over.
12:09 AM - Friday, Sept. 20, 2019
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