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bullshit
"I don't know why you give a shit" he says to me.
Yeah, I don't know why I give a shit anymore either. That's not what he meant. What he meant was, he can't understand why I won't tolerate him taking meth.
Really. He won't let himself understand.
That Jekyll-Hyde persona he has naturally fades into just one. He isn't the world's biggest asshole, but he's the biggest asshole in my life.
Him on hard drugs upsets me, makes me depressed, isn't that enough of a reason to stop?
No.
So, yeah, I don't know why I give a shit. About him. About this relationship. I don't know.
He promised me he was done. He's not. He's a lying piece of shit drug addict.
Always has been. Always will. It was stupid of me to think he'd outgrow it. Or that having anything positive in his life would be a reason to stop. Or that anything. ANYTHING would ever be as important to him as getting high.
He says all the classic cliche drug addict shit. Look them up in books, I'm sure they are there. My favorite is "I don't do as much as everyone else I know." Yeah, that one is going in the novel.
His mental illness isn't helped by being on this shit. I don't know why he thinks it helps. False fix, it's called. False fix. Temporary relief of a deeper problem that causes more problems in the long run.
Also, he played on my innate bend for addiction and has made it a million times worse. I make my own choices, but it's also very difficult to make good choices when he's around.
He's off running around town trying to find a lawyer to sue the Mayo Clinic so he won't have to pay the bill for when he was thrown in the mental ward over the weekend. To me, it's ridiculous.
Yes, he was mistreated in there. I know. I was there almost 24-7 with him. No, it's not fair. But dragging everything out and going to court isn't going to accomplish anything. And he thinks this won't cost more than the $1000 hospital bill? I told him if he goes to court one more time as a result of his disruptive, antisocial, psychotic behavior, I'm gone.
I said that last time. And then the time after that. And the time after that. It's my fault he won't believe me because I can't follow through and actually leave.
He'd rather find a lawyer than stay here with me and discuss how we are going to dissolve this now unsuccessful partnership. Or maybe. Maybe. make things work. So, I guess, just like everything else in my life now, it's up to me. I get to talk to myself and make all the decisions.
I tried to help. I can't give him the help he needs. He won't help himself. This relationship is helpless as a result.
Too bad, so sad. What a waste of 25 years. Guess I'll just prepare for the nothing that will follow. It's so tacky to write an entry about this. But this is all I have.
1:00 PM - Friday, Jul. 26, 2019
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