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46 G
It is so very difficult to tear your life apart, especially the older you get. And I'm getting older with every tick tick tick of the clock. What was I thinking bringing home an analog clock? That and the white rug purchased for the bathroom proves I've lost my mind. This house, my house, is 2300 square feet. That's a lot of space to fill with things. And we have a lot of "white space" now and it keeps getting better, but little things keep seeping in too. Parts of the whole look like a museum. We might let someone come over someday. I really wonder what his reaction will be. Guy who sleeps under bridges. If I could afford to give him this place, and just walk away, I would. There are too many strings and too much obligation and too many laws and complete nonsensical bullshit involved in every little thing. They won't let you just walk away. There's something to be said about downsizing and living on a renovated school bus. Like an inside out turtle. The baby turtle my brother found died. He mentioned it in passing. Oh yeah, dead. That's how my family always deals with bad things. Oh yeah, by the way la di dah. We're all fucked. Anyway. My car window won't roll up and we got mega storms. And I was too stupid to put plastic over the window. I am too lazy to use common sense. I thought to myself, seal up that window before red sky in morning sailor take warning, but nope. Too much work. It's all too much work. Too much work to keep caring. Too hard to do what needs to be done. Spider veins and grey hair and you know you're going to live like a nun for the rest of your life but you have to still be part of society. Not fair. Going to have to return to shitjob land so I have to find some bras that fit because these rules and regulations and all the things not written down will fuck you every time and fuck it all what's the point of this? I should go live in the woods with crazy Kevinsonofabitch but after two drinks I'd hit him in the face with a rock and he'd bash my skull in with a log. I don't know if I don't like him or if he doesn't like me. I don't know if everyone is just faking that they like me so they can have someone to laugh about or what.
10:55 PM - Monday, Jul. 22, 2019
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