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lost
Brought back the rest of my stuff I had stashed at my parents last time I went there. Like high school year books. I looked through them a little a few days ago. I was really amazed at how many things I was involved in:
photo club
art club
French club
diversity council
senior breakfast committee
Portal (literary magazine)
TAG (talented and gifted)
Scroll (school paper)
and I think there were a few more things, but I don't want to go drag out the books again to check.
Some of those things I have no memory of. Like, diversity council. Not sure what that was about. I want to say it was a reaction to the race riots that happened while I went there. But I honestly don't know.
My memory is that I hated school so much, but obviously, I was totally involved in it. I did spend a lot of time before and after school for the clubs.
I did hate school. I hated it so much I refused to go to college. I couldn't imagine spending any more time in that social construct than I absolutely had to. And having to pay for it? NO WAY! I begged my parents in 9th grade to let me go to alternative high school, where you get your requirements out of the way in the AM and then are expected to get a job in the PM, but you still get a high school diploma. My mom said no fucking way and made me stay in school until graduation.
And what did I get for all that time spent in school? A glorious job scrubbing shit out of toilets and handling bloody cum stained sheets. Something I could have done just fine without that diploma.
Where is my diploma? I will have to look around again, but I don't think I even have it!
My senior year, there are about 30 photos of me in the book. Crazy. Just crazy. I can't believe people tolerated me as much as they did. Hanging out with my friends, wearing a flannel shirt in almost every single photo. Standing out in almost every photo...Here's a group of upwardly mobile young people on their way to college and a bright career...and there's the one low income future drug addict with the crazy hair who is never smiling.
I should have smiled. Because I had no idea how totally fucking awful life would get out of that school system. I hated that, I hate this. I just am not a big fan of being alive, apparently.
I lost my brand new Ween pin when I was in Iowa. And my bloodstone bracelet. And I know they are just little things, but I am pretty bummed out about it. My OCD is really having a hard time letting that go. But things that are lost are just that.
6:21 PM - Monday, Jul. 15, 2019
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