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bye bye fuzzy brain
Losing all comforts at once is really hard. An almost impossible sort of difficult. Having to find strength I don't think I have. But obviously, it's there. I've just never heard of people being this strong. Except torture victims.
It's like torture.
With even a little bit of clarity I realize that almost everything I have done to make myself feel better has just made things worse in the long run. And the long run is all that matters. Those short little sprints I completed were victories over nothing. They just left me winded for when the demons chased me, but I fooled myself into thinking that they were cause for celebration.
You can't pay someone else to rewrite your brain for you. You can't give permission for someone to help you take a short cut. There is no more time for excuses.
But there's always that nostalgia creeping up behind. Sinking its claws in, trying to pull you back to a time that no longer exists or maybe never did. Wishing there really was such a thing as time travel. Wishing for impossible things just makes you sicker.
And there's always that depression weighing down from above. Like a thick black wool blanket in the middle of July. Some invisible hand putting more and more layers on. Hard to breathe.
Sometimes it's more like a weight in the guts. Sinking to the bottom of the deepest part of the blackest ocean. Drowning. Still unable to breathe. The only way to overcome the pull down is to rip yourself in half.
When you say goodbye and no one cares, it's time to move on. Make a mix-tape of songs for the long journey. You'll wear it out before you get where you need to go and you'll never want to hear any of those songs ever again.
6:32 PM - Sunday, May. 12, 2019
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