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street sweepers in the rain
There is nothing that makes me happy anymore. I just do things, because why not. Have to do something. Why not this or that. Even the things that might qualify as happiness always get ruined by someone. Like going to a concert. That should have been fucking amazing. I was up until 4 AM the night before the big Ween show for a totally bullshit reason. And it was an amazing show, but I was so tired I just stood there taking it all in. I couldn't even open my mouth to go “Woo-hoo!”
I try to be grateful. Having so much, after having so little; knowing it could (and probably will) always get worse.
I wonder if I am even capable of feeling joy any more or if life has just beaten it out of me completely.
Or if I pissed it out with all that booze. We have 12 hand blown glass bottles in our front windows that used to contain Tequila. That was $500 worth of booze there. All within the last year, I think. And that's nothing. Nothing.
No, there is no happiness anymore. Just the absence of total despair.
9:03 PM - Tuesday, Nov. 13, 2018
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