-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
getting used to it now
If you love someone let them go....blah blah blah. My stupid little butterfly won't let me fly. He says everything is my fault, he's depressed, he wants to go on vacation. I say whatever, tell him to pack his bag and I'll drive him the hour to the train depot. He can go wherever he wants for as long as he wants. If I see him again, great, if not, oh well.
Fucking asshole is still here. I'm fucking sick of it. I wish he would just go on his little “vacation” and do whatever the fuck it is he needs to do to be a decent human being again.
He has nonsensical schizoid paranoid delusions. He makes no sense. He gets upset because I can't understand him. I try, but he's schizophrenic and sometimes he just doesn't make sense. He expects me to just get it, and he can't explain whatever it is, and then he blames me for not being him, essentially.
He flips out about nothing. That someone looked at him wrong. That the sunlight looked weird. That the water tastes bad. That I don't like to go out. That I talked to my brother. That monkeys are dying in the forests. He pushes and pushes and pushes until I'm literally on my knees crying and begging for him to stop yelling at me. And then he pushes some more. My only option is to run away and even then he's following after me yelling at me for running away.
He's the classic example of an only child. I don't give shit anymore how fucked up and abusive his childhood was. He's 39 years old now. Get fucking over it.
Last time I was in the car driving at 2AM and he kept texting to come back. That's what he always says. Just come back home. Come home. Come back.
And I always do. Because I always hope it will get better. That we can get through this latest psychotic break. Because I'm a fucking moron.
Even when I leave I get like 20 phone calls and 60 texts. He says he stays with me because he loves me. Really, he's just like me where he doesn't want to lose the 24 year investment.
His psychosis gets really bad. We watched a youtube video of a band playing a live gig and he started freaking out. Saying the person on the screen wasn't really that person. That they hired an impersonator to travel around and do their shows. That rich people can do things like that, but he sees it. He sees it's not really so and so. That so and so can fool everyone else, but not him.
This is real. This is the kind of thing I have to put up with. I put up with it until I can't anymore, then all hell breaks loose.
When I can't take it anymore, it gets bad. Scary bad. Sometimes I feel like he just says and does things to push me until I can't take it anymore and he is waiting to jump down my throat.
He claims I hung a mirror too close to a light switch so that he'd knock it off and break it and I could give him shit. I hung that mirror there 5+ years ago. Then one night he gets so drunk he can't stand up straight, bumps into the mirror, it falls off the wall and breaks....and it's my fault. I had it planned. I was plotting. Waiting for it to happen. For years and years.
I wish I was kidding. I wish I could say that he could just take his medication and none of this would happen. I wish everything in his life WAS my fault, because it'd be really easy for me to just leave and never go back, knowing he'd be better off without me around.
I'm not saying I'm not insane. That I don't get manic, depressive, see things, hear things, get paranoid, get violent. I do. I'm not perfect. I have various mental illnesses. I am sick.
I just don't know how much longer I can take care of myself when I'm in these conditions. This is why people get divorced. I would be divorced by now, except the lawyer I was talking to stopped returning my emails or calls. It's like they went out of business or I freaked them out or something.
So, I took it as sign to keep trying. I'm trying. I'm trying so fucking hard.
Either he needs to go. Or he needs to let me go. Even for just a little while.
5:15 PM - Saturday, Nov. 17, 2018
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------