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I may be ugly, but I have better taste in music than you
When I used to see a psychologist, one of the things they ALL asked was if I had a support network. If I called my brothers, or family, would they talk with me? How was my friend situation? Whenever I told them that no, my family would not have time to talk with me and no, I had no friends, well, they just kept on rolling with their stupid checklist of bullshit and didn't believe me.
NO ONE could be this alone. It's not possible not not have even ONE friend. It's just not acceptable, so they went on to not accept my answers.
Psychology has got to be one of most retarded “sciences” ever invented. Someone gets paid over $200 an hour so babysit you for a short time and make sure you're not hanging yourself or stepping in front of a bus.
What is the god damn point if when you tell them that you are alone, they just shrug it off. Think you are exaggerating or lying.
But I wasn't then and I'm not now.
Whenever I have needed someone. Truly needed them there to talk me down from the ledge, I have been alone. Rule #1: you can only count on yourself.
That goes for my fucked up family, my husband, and any of my penpals.
I'm the kind of person that people only think about when I am standing right in front of them, and even then they would rather be somewhere else.
As I've said before, either I'm the asshole, or everyone else is.
The only person in my family who makes any effort to respond to my emails, letters, birthday and holiday presents is my dad, which is totally ironic, since he is housebound with MS and can barely talk or move. He's just a nice guy. He cares about everyone, all the time.
When he gets too ill, sometimes he makes my mom write me an email. A forced, insincere email. She'd rather be on a Disney cruise, I think. Permanently.
And my brothers, well I have 3, and after so many years of birthday cards and wishes and emails and getting ZERO response. Well, I am wondering why I am bothering.
I am beginning to wonder why I am bothering with anyone anymore.
And on to the topic of friends. I've lived in this town since 1998 and the amount of friends I have made is exactly ZERO. I really hate people and have no time for their bullshit. Everyone that I once even came close to considering being a friend has stabbed me in the back. People can't be trusted. They are all addicted to something: illegal drugs, prescription drugs, booze, shopping. cars, porn, sex,work, money...and that will ALWAYS come first in a friendship.
I have exactly two people that I converse with a few times a year. People I chose to let into my life a little bit. But everything has to be on their terms all the time. The term “unreliable” is beyond accurate. If I needed a friend, these people would not be there for me. One friend makes sure she remembers my birthday and the holidays and that has gotten to be the only times I hear from her anymore. I only get emails from her job. I don't even know if she has a private email address.
My husband is a lot better than he used to be. He does nice things on a regular basis. But, I know in the back of my mind, if I really needed him, I would be alone. It's happened before too many times, and now I just don't expect anything from him. So when I get anything, it's a nice surprise.
I never thought my life would be this dreary and dismal, but that is reality. This is how things are, how they have been most of my life, and how they will continue to be.
I think it's time I truly just give up. Society thinks it's not acceptable to be alone. The crazy hermit syndrome. They think it's not mentally stable. Not physically safe.
But what the hell has another person ever given me, except sorrow, pain and loss? Very little.
Trying to be appreciative of the little things. But when I need a microscope to count the grains of kindness presented to me, I don't think it's worth the effort.
For most of my 20s I didn't have contact with anyone. I think it's time to hibernate socially once again.
10:02 AM - Wednesday, Feb. 01, 2017
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