----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- around in circles I feel like my soul is a scorched battlefield. All around me are the charred and destroyed bodies of my past selves, past ambitions, past goals, past wishes for a good life. I'm all alone in this wasteland and as much as I try to fake the possibility that nice times may still happen, realistically it doesn't seem very likely. That's what keeps people going: memories of past nice times and the hope that all the nice times in life are not completely over. It feels like a battlefield inside of me. Constantly fighting my addiction and losing. Every battle leaving me weaker and less able to fight. Doing things I don't want to do under compulsion. A hope that a nice time may appear from the bad choices as if by magic. I am wondering if going to a professional that is used to dealing with mental illness and addiction wouldn't be a better choice. To start EMDR I am supposed to be emotionally "stable" and sober and be willing to commit to weekly sessions. I can't remember the last time I felt stable, I lose my sobriety every month, and I don't think going in to see the apathetic head shrink on a weekly will help me. Maybe I never feel like I'm getting help because I am looking for help in the wrong place. Or, more likely, there is no help available for me. It's hard to make the healthy choices when it doesn't feel like there is any reason to. Why be sober when the days fade in and out, one after another, with no joy and no nice times. Why be sober when more than likely all the nice times are totally gone forever. To just exist is not enough. Waiting for the inevitable can be excruciating. Sometimes it feels like the best thing to do is to melt a few more brain cells, to shorten the sentence of this meaningless existence. Not sure why all the "professionals" can't seem to understand, or to offer any real advice to help turn things around. Instead of just making me feel like I'm just going around in circles, treading the same path until I'm in a hole in the ground, getting deeper every day. Feeling misunderstood, not listened to, and not cared for. Why anyone should care for anyone else, though, really? It would be nice if someone could fake it until I learn to care for myself. 9:50 AM - Sunday, Feb. 18, 2024 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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