----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know, I mean, for real, lady? Had my therapy appointment yesterday and I just feel like I wasted my time. She said that she didn't realize that I wanted to start EMDR. I realize I haven't seen her for awhile, and we're just starting to work together, but I am kind of amazed at her lack of attention. If I start EMDR I will have to go in every week indefinitely. She never told me this before. I really wonder if this is something I should do. I am starting to feel like I'm getting over some of the more recent trauma and I contemplate if I should just let sleeping dogs lie. Time is the only thing that can really make things better. The phrase putting it behind you works well the further away from it you get. I honestly am not sure if I can be reconditioned to not react to my PTSD from someone who is so uninvolved. I also don't know why weekly sessions are required except she wants to ensure herself a paycheck. I don't know why I expect any "professional" to truly care. It's just a job. I do know that I will not be participating in any more fucking Cognitive Behavioral therapy because it's total pseudoscience bullshit. I've been forced into that since I was 7. It made me angry then and it still pisses me off. Well maybe there is some basis to it, but most of it does not work for me. She wanted me to make a list of pros and cons for activities that take me away from my values. I said I do that in my head all the time, the problem is that my impulse control and addictions make it very difficult to make "good" choices, especially when my anxiety is acting up. I wanted to get some help with tactics to overcome this issue and all she had to say was "Yeah, it makes it more difficult." I left yesterday kind of at a loss. Maybe going into "rehab" would be a better choice. But I doubt it. The issue is I'm poor and I only have Medicare. I don't think I'm going to find a "good" professional to help me. I hate to bring up the class war, but it is very real. The therapist said most people don't look in their life in terms of values, they just make goals and expect that to help them. I said that maybe that's what's wrong with most people. I really get the feeling I scared her a little. She said if I knew my values then I would list them. And I did. And I think it freaked her out. Some days I feel like burning everything and other times I feel like none of it matters. I asked what to do when it feels like nothing matters. She basically implied: medication. I don't want to give in to that shit. Really, then nothing would really matter. 12:53 PM - Thursday, Feb. 15, 2024 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||