----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- now or never My health hasn't been great this year. Some of it is just hereditary or just getting older, but most of it is my own fault. My body is very angry with me for neglecting my health for so long. I am trying really hard to change my habits. Most of them involve me doing things that are bad for my health. Drinking booze, sitting around too much, eating junk food. Lately I started to really hate looking into the mirror every day. It's really evident on my face (and my entire body) the extent of my neglect and self-abuse. It was a real kick to my already low self-esteem. Kick a dolly when it's down. I bought a bunch of cosmetics online thinking that I could somehow just cover it all up. That's what women always seem to do. Only when I got them, I took a closer look at the ingredients and ended up returning all but the eye shadow (Honeybee Gardens brand). I am so incredibly chemically sensitive and the last thing I need is to have a rash or acne all over my already puffy compromised face. I usually do not wear make up at all. Ever. Part of it is my family was very old school Christian and the women on either side did not wear make up, so I was never taught how to put it on. Part of it is, when I have tried it, I hated how it felt. I can't stand the feeling of things coating my face, or in my hair. I am also constantly playing with my hair, rubbing my face, etc and to not be able to do that makes my anxiety way worse. Part of it is how allergic I am to almost every product on the market. Even things that are approved by the Eczema foundation or are organic, etc. I have had reactions to. It's just easier to not use them. I usually regret it if I try something new. I still care about clean products, clean food, clean water, clean air. In a way, it's nice to know I haven't lost ALL my core values. Yeah, and part of it is that rebellious punk feminist attitude that women don't need make up to be a valued part of society. I don't know why it's expected for women to wear make up, and not men. It's just some weird societal expectation. It goes way beyond that. I have gotten so much grief and abuse from not wearing make up in the past. Really, when I look back at my life, it's really no surprise to me why I am happier staying at home and not seeing anyone for months at a time. Most people are awful. I have been trying to go out more, at least on a walk, and the programming in my head told me that if I wore some make up then maybe people would leave me alone. I'm one of you, really. I'm not a circus freak or an alien. Fuck that shit. Whenever I try to conform, it makes it even more obvious that I can't. Most people are put here to keep things from evolving. Some people are here to change everything they can. The more I take care of myself, the healthier I look. No duh. But I am surprised at how quickly I am starting to look better from how little I have been able to take care of myself. It's good incentive. I have been making goals, trying to keep them in mind. But it's nice to have some instant gratification, like less dark circles and seeing some glow in my eyes that I haven't seen in a very long time. Time is spinning by, who knows how much of it I really have left. Nothing will change if nothing changes. I think my 2024 theme is "Now or Never". Because I can't keep going around in this circle anymore. It's ground down so far I think I almost reached the molten core of the earth. I don't want to get to age 50 and still be thinking and acting like a 30 year old. Maybe I will finally teach myself to grow up just a little bit. Yeah maybe it will be like all the other times when I said things will change and the rut just got deeper. Yeah maybe not. 6:11 PM - Saturday, Dec. 23, 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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