----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bloody hell I finally was able to have my pap test done on Monday. She went ahead and threw on all the STI tests too. I already got all my tests back, everything is good on paper. However, I have been bleeding every single day in the month of January except the 3 days for the full moon. And yesterday I started bleeding a lot. I mean...a lot a lot. It feels like it's not stopping, however it did stop for a few hours yesterday afternoon. And I thought maybe the worst was over. Then as soon as I went to bed it started up again. And it's not just blood, it's clots. It's like dozens of tiny abortions spewing out all over the place. I wake up in a huge pile of blood. I have to get up several times in the night to change out my pads and underwear. It's been like I'm in hell for the past few days. And on Monday I had the worst cramps I have ever had in my life. Right after I woke up, it felt like an oversized hand with a steel glove had reached into my pelvis and squeezed as hard as it possibly could. I literally could not straighten up and I basically crawled over the bed and sat there sobbing for about half an hour until the pain got better. Then I took a tylenol and had to walk to the clinic and get my pap done. I have to go to the hospital in a few weeks to get a vaginal ultrasound and talk to an OBGYN. I am not in the best place right now. My anxiety is beyond meltdown. Not to mention I'm exhausted from bleeding so much. Having to constantly wash my pads, wash the sheets and quilt every morning for the last few days, and just the constant running to the bathroom in order to change my pads. If I had a job, I'd lose it because there is no way I could work like this. I am so fucking pissed off. Life is totally unfair. I have cried more in the last three days than I have in the last 6 months. Right about now I'd do almost anything to make this stop. I told my husband that if I pass out, get me to the hospital. So I get to just deal with this for weeks. Worrying, cleaning, worrying, bleeding, cleaning, not feeling like doing anything. Not being able to sleep well on top of it all. It's shit like this that made me used to think I wanted to be a man. I don't, I just don't want to have to deal with this fucking shit. I've never wanted kids, and I'm pissed off that I have to deal with my reproductive organs turning on me now. Quit drugs, quit smoking, quit booze, get cancer. Hah, hah, very funny. This year is starting out super fantastic. 2:34 PM - Wednesday, Feb. 01, 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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