----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You can't hit the heart on the head All over the place yesterday, never left the house. Finally sold the Bert and Ernie puppets I've had on ebay for months. I said if they didn't sell by spring I was going to put them on sticks out in the yard as some sort of hipster lawn art, but I will take the money instead. Selling off my childhood memorabilia to pay for my adult responsibilities to a different class of peers that have the luxury of recreating their childhood. I'm surprised someone bought them because they are a little trashed, but I priced them accordingly. Bert is especially beat up. I tore his hair off. I remember tearing his hair off, on purpose. I used to tear body parts off my toys when I was angry. Channeling my inner serial killer, I guess. I never liked Bert and Ernie. I thought Ernie was really mean to Bert all the time on the TV show, and I used to get mad at him for letting Ernie treat him that way. So one day I pulled his hair off. Yeah.... Ruminating and racing thoughts all night plus the crack heads coming and going and idling cars outside the house all night kept me from falling asleep. Did finally rest, but it was uneasy. I probably could have (should have?) stayed up most or all of the night, but I was told not to let myself do that. I don't know if that's good advice or not anymore. If I am not going to take the prescribed drugs to alter my natural emotional states, then shouldn't I allow myself to fully experience them? There's always the risk of letting them control me. I'm sure some people think that's some sort of excuse, but some times it really does feel like lack of control. I am tired of having to apologize for things I only halfway am conscious of doing or saying. Or having to feel guilty and/ or having to tone myself down so I'm not "inappropriate" or "crazy" or whatever adjective other people with equally severe yet completely different mental disorders want to throw at me to see if they stick. "I've been high I've been low I've been both, I've been fucked..." I have been doing aerobics or going for a walk (weather permitting) several days each week for the entire month and already I notice it's getting easier and already I am craving the sugar less. I tried a new program the day before yesterday and pulled a few muscles, though. Not seriously, but it's there. Then I did low impact yesterday and aggravated it, but I couldn't sit still in this house anymore. I did have coffee, which is like setting off a chemical weapon in my system. I never know how it will affect me anymore. I am already beginning to feel edgy and off if I don't do some exercise. Addict, much? It would be nice to crave something healthy like exercise for a change, but I have to be careful not to overdo it. I've never been good at balance or patience. Part of it is I would like to see some results sooner rather than later. I think that if I finally teach myself some self-discipline that maybe I will attract that sort of energy into my life. The like attracts like theory. It would be nice to interact with someone that is willing to put in some effort on anything. I'm not really making a goal to make a new friend or friends, because that would mean actually talking to other people, but I have obviously made the goals to make efforts, even though it was not consciously written out as such. I think it would be easier to believe that nothing matters. Total nihilism. To have faith that there are no real connections. That humans try to ease the harsh reality of a pointless existence by assigning absurd meanings to completely random events. That every feeling is just a certain combination of chemicals with no deep or spiritual significance. The impartial and indifferent are viewed as cruel and unjust to the ignorant or the uninitiated. Whatever. It would be nice to actually believe in all that. I keep telling myself all that, but it's not sticking. How much of that resistance is brainwashing. How to live an authentic life when my nature state involves so much self-sabotage? I often wonder why I have to always feel so much. And why the compulsion to act on those feeling. All of them. All the time. It's exhausting feeling like I have to constantly put so much effort into self-control because when I don't, I lose friends or get into trouble. Most of the time it seems like all I have are feelings. It's a wonder there is any way I am capable of logical thought. All I am, is feelings. It feels like I am feeling more than anyone is supposed to be feeling or that anyone else is capable of feeling. Why do I have to be the type of hyper-sensitive person that feels every thing instead of just thinking it all through? Feels like a bum deal. Then I go to the other extreme and it seems like I can't feel a thing. Maybe it's just the result of overload. I try to look at the situation all critical like and analyze it from a to z. I think to myself, all feelings are, are combinations of chemicals interacting on an overloaded brain. How can I trust feelings when they can be tampered with so easily? It takes great effort to sit and let the feelings pass and act almost like an observer instead of an unwilling participant. It starts with the cravings for booze, which I know will pass and I am getting the skills to let them do so. But the obsessions and feelings otherwise about other things and other people are really not so easy for me to achieve that goal with. These obsessive thoughts and feelings are so very difficult to dismiss. I wish I had better skills to ignore them the way I can be ignored by people that I care for. 4:28 PM - Saturday, Jan. 28, 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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