----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- exactly So the furnace went out today. Had to have a repair person here to fix it. He replaced a part, but said we needed new UV light, filters, etc...it's some modern space age furnace with all these modern overpriced parts but it's what is in there, so it's what I have to deal with. It's working for now but it's not really fixed. At least it's warmer outside today. A few years before we moved from Roch we got an entire new furnace for free from the Energy Assistance non-profit. We needed a new one, and they bought it for us because we were so poor. It was super awesome and I was super grateful. It's pretty much the only time I can think of when we actually got help when we needed it. I hope whoever is living there now is toasty warm with no problems. I miss my home. That's a foolish stupid thing to say but I'm a sap so there you go. When things like this happen I get all sorts of mixed feelings. I miss having my own home, but I'm thankful I am not totally responsible for the costs here myself. I know I can't really afford to own a house, but I feel like I'm too fucking crazy to live in a apartment building without serious issues. I try to be thankful for this situation. It's a fluke and it's not going to last forever and it won't come again and I need to appreciate everything more. I am thankful I got to own my own house for awhile. It wasn't perfect but I learned a lot and that is also a time that will never come again. I worry I'm going to end up an old lady in a state nursing home or on the street. My brother is going to pay for all this work, but we also need a new bathroom sink. It's going to be like $1300 bucks for the furnace and sink together. Something like that. I feel like a total fucking asshole because I can't help pay for any of this. I'm getting really down on myself, my brother isn't giving me any problems. It's me. I told him I'll just wash my hands and face and brush my teeth in the kitchen so we can wait on the sink. It won't turn off, is the problem. (My brain won't turn off either.) I will just pretend I'm living in Eastern Europe or something. I am so tired of doing my best and it not being anywhere near good enough. I feel like I'm way behind where I should be. There are people my age running entire countries and I can barely make it out of bed, or if I can, then I can't get the dishes done or the laundry or cook my dinner or whatever. For the longest time I have done nothing. Nothing. I got fat and lazy like a gorilla in a zoo. Nothing to do but watch TV and pound on the plexi-glass that separates me from those that watch me. I have been exercising at home. Good for me. I fucking hate Jane Fonda. I've been doing art. Good for me. I feel like doing art at home isn't enough lately. I feel like I need to do some street art or burn a government building to the ground. "Be careful with each other so we can be dangerous together." 9:36 PM - Tuesday, Dec. 27, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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