----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- kitsune I asked my brother to take me out to Half Price Books so we could finally sell the 5 boxes of books and media we had set aside for months. It took 17 minutes to drive there, but we had to wait almost an hour for them to get our payout ready because the person in front of us brought in over 300 DVDs to sell. We got $42 and change for 5 huge boxes of books. I bought one poetry book so I walked out of there with $30 +. $20 of that went straight for booze, which is really awful and I am really sick right now. Back to day one again and again and it's just pathetic. I mentioned to my brother how it's stressful living in a city where everything is so spread out, you basically need a car. And how I miss the easy access to woods and how isolated I feel here. And he came back with "Well if you just put up with your neighbor you could have stayed where you were." On so many levels that pissed me off. I wanted to grab the wheel and shove us across bumper to bumper freeway traffic into a cement slab. It's not my fault that some fucking psycho bullied us, SHOT AT US, harassed us and violated our privacy basically every day for over a decade. It's not my fault that the cops refused to do anything. It's also not my fault that I have a severe illness that limits how well I function in society, including holding a job and interacting with other people. It limits how much money I make. I should just sell drugs. I just told him that we couldn't have kept affording the mortgage let alone the repairs anyway, and he just said "oh." I am sick of everyone being so out of touch that they don't realize that 1. I am sick. I am on federal disability. I have special needs. Just because I'm not in a wheelchair or I'm not obviously physically deformed, screaming and flailing my arms around...it doesn't mean I'm OK or that I can function OK on any given day. and 2. I am broke. Seriously broke. No shit I shouldn't be buying booze (for so many reasons) but I do and that's part of my illness. Don't need to hear shit like "why don't you just stop drinking" or "doesn't your medication help you" or even worse "maybe you should try getting a job again". Some asshole is putting siding and a roof on the house across the street. He just banged on the door and told me the hail storm we had damaged their house and their insurance is paying for all of it. He shoved his card in my face and asked what insurance I had and if he could bring over a folder with samples. Pushy motherfucker. I saw him walking around yelling at his workers and I said to my husband things like "that guy really likes being the boss" and "that guy looks like a real prick". I was right. There's nothing wrong with our roof or our siding...I really don't need some polo shirt wearing shithead to get in my face in my home and make everything worse for me. No one understands, they don't even try, and it's just made me realize that I have to just totally give up. Give up on expecting there to be any good connection ever again. I think we're alone now... 3:17 PM - Tuesday, Sept. 13, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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