----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- out with the bathwater My oldest brother called me and offered me a free smartphone. I said no. I don't really need one. There have only been 2 people that ever texted with me on a regular basis. One of them I see all day, every day. The other has stopped communicating with me altogether. I have been having the weirdest dreams lately. A few nights ago part of my dream involved a traveling petting zoo in a truck, but everything was fish. But the fish could survive out of water and people were holding them and petting them. Last night, something or other about zombies and vampires and how vampires went hungry when everyone tuned into zombies because if they drank zombie blood they would be zombies too. Then, I was a vampire, living in what used to be a mental hospital before the apocalypse happened and zombies took over. I was trying desperately to find my old friend Big K, calling other wards, trying to see if he was in the building. Worried he was a zombie or held up, trapped by zombies. Not really very fluid, not making much sense, the progression of dream events. I keep looking for Big K on the internet in real life. Checking the inmate registry in the county jail back home. Checking obituaries. I am so pathetic I think to myself that he must be back in prison or dead if he doesn't want to speak to me. I never find anything, which is good, I guess. I don't do very well when there is no closure, and I really wonder if closure is a real thing. I don't think I've ever really gotten that from anyone. They just disappear and I am alone, but not alone. I've got my obsessive thoughts. And a little less self-esteem but that's OK I replace it with some extra self pity. I'm not sure why I bother with the online journal protocol of replacing real people's names with aliases to protect their privacy. I have this locked up, I could really just write whatever about anyone and it would never get back to them except maybe their ears would be itchy. But there is no one to write about. There are no people in my life, hardly. I feel like it's my fault. How can you not be yourself? How am I not myself? I wonder what it is about me that makes people get to the point where they say...that's enough. I don't want to see her or have anything to do with her ever again. Is it always the same thing, is it different things to different people? I wish someone would just tell me something so I don't sit here and stew in it. I don't know how people can just disappear and be OK with that. I have told people before that I don't think we should be friends anymore and they always flip out. Is that something you're not supposed to do? Is that mean? Is it considered more polite to just ghost out on someone, or it is that most people are cowards and just can't deal with any emotions, theirs or someone else's. You care about someone, and then one day you just don't. I don't get it. Add in drugs and drinking and untreated mental illness and it is like an infinite feedback loop from hell. My blood pressure is really high today. Not sure why. I feel like crap. I had to mow the lawn. I have to go out later and mow the back lawn, too. I'm still shaking at night. I still haven't started my period and I'm wondering if I am going to be skipping them now, I'm in the pre-menopause stage now or what. My anxiety has been off the charts (that's probably why the high BP). I cleaned all the cat's boxes on Friday, cleaned up the bird food and water stations outside, dug out compost for the roses and honeysuckle, built beds for the honeysuckle, took a long walk, and I still felt like I was going to burn from the inside out. I don't want to be here, and I have to force myself to be grateful that I am. It feels a little bit like the mind games I had to play on myself to keep going into work at the hotel. Thinking of all the horrible jobs in the world, the slavery and trafficking that people had to go through just to survive to make what I was doing seem tolerable. I reorganized our DVDs into a new case. I have wasted so much of my time just sitting and staring at the same things over and over and over and over. I wish Hollywood would just fall into the ocean. I guess I get it. I don't want anything to do with me, either. 4:28 PM - Sunday, May. 22, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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