----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6 April 2022 spent the last two days dealing with mental health shit. Just shit. trying to find any therapist in town that takes medicare, that is taking on new clients. Then I find one, but she's way across town. have to take a cab, there's no bus service on a frontage road to the interstate. borrow husband's cell phone. cell phone works in the AM. go to call a cab ONE AND A HALF hours before my appointment (because it takes 30-45 minutes to get to my destination and a cab can take one hour to get to my house on a regular day) and the cell phone isn't working. so I have to call the therapist and tell her I have no way to get there. I'm not too upset because I didn't want to go, but the stress of having to cancel and the stress of thinking of going across town. riding in a cab. meeting a new person. talking about PTSD or anything personal, really just wiped me out. So instead I get cupcakes and have coffee but in the meantime I'm walking around changing my clothes every few minutes because they all are scratchy or fit weird or have a smell. Or at least at that moment in time I think they do. And I'm pacing back and forth and slapping myself in the forehead and making repetitive nonsense noises over and over again. Then I get a package in the mail. I bought some slip on shoes for $10 and even though they are a full size smaller than what I was wearing two months ago and what I had been wearing for like, 3 years, they are too big. My feet are shrinking. I measured them yesterday and they are smaller than when I measured them about 2 months ago. Which is just as weird as being a size 8.5 and then going up instantly to a size 11 for a few years and now going back down to like a 9.5 or even a 9. Even though I have put on about 35 pounds in the last 5 years. And now out of nowhere my husband decides he's going to start going through his multitude of boxes in the basement that have been there for a year and a half, even though every other day of his life here he just sleeps 18-20+ hours a day. What The Fuck. You know, really? WTF. I'm thinking, just let them dope me up. The stress of trying to find a therapist or doctor to put on that SSDI renewal form gives me such paranoia almost every single day. How the hell would they think I could possibly go back to work when most days I can not even leave the house without having a total meltdown. Fuck it. All the people I've known that swallow the little pills and all the life and light fades out of them and they become semi-productive members of this bullshit we call a society, I'll just be one of them. Fuckers. 6:27 PM - Wednesday, Apr. 06, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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