----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- untitled I can barely sleep anymore because of the tremors keeping me awake. It starts in my shoulders, goes up my neck and feels like it's infecting my brain. I lay there and it feels like my brain is throbbing, swelling up, my skull is being forced out of my head. It's really terrifying and it's almost impossible to sleep through. I lay there thinking I'm going to stroke out or something. I would like to live a little longer, no matter how fucked up everything is. I've been walking and that seems to help with the leg tremors a little bit. But nothing is helping with my shoulders, neck, brain thing. I've bought so many different pillows that are supposed to help. Nothing helps. I think I am going to have to give up coffee for awhile until I can figure out what is causing these issues. I started drinking coffee a lot. A LOT to keep with with my husband when he was all sped up and now I am addicted to the caffeine. I drink it more than he does now. I used to slam it as a teenager, then I gave it up completely because it made me too anxious (manic also, but I didn't know what was going on at the time). Then I started having it on occasion. Then I started drinking it to just be able to function in really fucked up household. And now I wonder if I need to stop drinking it again. I am really in a bad habit with it. It's too bad how easy something can turn on you. And how easily I give in to it. I am really down. I went to a doctor to get some idea of what's wrong and here I am, basically back at the beginning, wondering WTF is going on. I have borderline high blood pressure and she threatened me saying that if it goes any higher I should take medication for it (140 over 80). And I am low on Vitamin D. Not a surprise. However, my husband was EXTREMELY low on Vitamin D and he's not having tremors like this. I know we aren't the same person, but I don't think my problems are just a chemical deficit. I have to give up everything I enjoy. I don't know why all the things I have come to like are so bad for my body. Smoking, Sugar, booze, coffee. I would give it all up if I could have sex once in awhile but that isn't going to happen. I have just resolved myself to the fact that there's probably never going to be a time in my life where I'll be enjoying that little slice of life. I have been wearing a bra all day and I fucking hate it. But I wonder if my shoulder pain isn't in part to having too much weight up front. I know that women get back pain from having to haul around large breasts. I really wish I could just cut them out and become some androgynous type alien sort of thing. Without sex, there's no point in having them. I'll try to get used to wearing these things. Maybe it will help. Or maybe it will cause a whole new set of health problems. Also considering I am just under way more stress than I realize. Or, that the stress I've been through lately has just attacked my body. I got a book about Somatic Healing and I plan to read it. I have had a hell of a time focusing enough to read. It's been that way for a long time. I read a Neil Gaiman book. I can usually read his stuff (The Ocean at the End of the Lane) but I am trying to mix it up. I also read some poems (Bukowski) but it's really difficult for me to read anymore. I think it's just the anxiety, not ADHD. I think anxiety and hypomania can definitely mimic ADHD symptoms. You know, fuck this is just a list of all the shit I think may be wrong with me. Eat better, get more exercise. Yeah yeah yeah time time is not on my side...etc. 5:49 PM - Friday, Feb. 18, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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