----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- an apple a day I have already told my cat that if I die soon, she can eat my eyes, my brain, any organs that I didn't pickle. Doctor's appointment in a few days. I hope this clinic knows how to take a few vials of blood. It sounds strange, but I hope they do find something wrong. An imbalance in the blood. And all I will have to do is take some heavy duty vitamins and my legs, shoulders, neck will stop twitching all the time. And maybe I can sleep. I haven't been able to sleep straight through the night in months because my body trembling wakes me up, and then I get scared. It also scares me how quickly human beings can get used to...anything. It's the only reason we have survived in the universe for this long. We all fear change, but we all adapt really fast. This twitching has gotten very bad in the last month, but I am slowly getting "used to" it. I don't have much faith in western medicine. This may be something I just have to live with. Or I will just have to change everything about my life until I find out why my body is giving up on me already. I know I haven't taken perfect care of it, but there are people out there doing way worse to themselves and they are mostly fine. Life isn't fair, no duh. I often think of Terence McKenna and his predictions for the future. How technology would fail us so completely, and also how so much shit would happen so fast that we will not have time to process it correctly. We will all be in a permanent state of trauma and it will not stop and eventually, that will just be the way it's always been and no one will remember it wasn't. It seems he might have been right about some things. It's Monday. Week 5 of sobriety. I get another gold star (figuratively speaking) for finishing out another week. The bible tabs I got came with lots of extra ones. Blank ones. And for some reason a set of "week" tabs. Week 1, Week 2, Week 3...etc. Not sure what those are supposed to be for, but I am using them to put in my journal. It's pretty lame incentive, but it's helping. I am sick of being stuck on a cul-de-sac of addictive behaviors. It's embarrassing how many times I have tried and failed. I am used to failure, but not on this scale. I thought maybe the twitching was alcohol withdrawals, but they shouldn't go on this long, and they should be getting better, not worse. The only nice thing that has happened to me lately is; I am selling a ton on my eBay store. The shelves upstairs that were once full of my parents collections and knick-knacks and antiques and rare books are getting empty. Almost time to get into the attic and bring out another round of sales. However, the IRS demands nowadays that if you sell over $600 a year on eBay you now have to get a 1099 form. I was hoping I wouldn't have to file taxes this year since we only have SSDI and eBay sales, but nope. I still don't think we made enough to have taxable income, so I might not have to actually file, but I do have to go through the process and fill out the form to see. Also makes me very nervous about disability. I would be very depressed if they came by, said I can work because I have forced myself to sell off my parents' belongings, and kick me off disability. I worry less about being homeless now that I am here, but I do worry about not having any money whatsoever. I think I'd resort to selling drugs and just giving up completely. I don't know why in this country the rich get richer and the poor aren't allowed to get ahead. Or even to get by. I just wanted to sell off these things that are worth some money and get a savings account and maybe someday buy a little land. But people like me don't get to have a nice life. I've lowered my expectations about that too. I think I will be living here until I die. Probably a lot younger than it should have been. And if I do get land, it will just be that. A parcel of woods with nothing on it. Just a place to go camping a few times of year like a caveman just to get the hell out of the city. And even that, I don't know if I will be able to afford. I also ordered some fabric from Jo-Ann Crafts and they accidentally sent me some fake flowers along with my order. Free fake flowers. Nice. That was a nice surprise. I am going to make a new winter hat. I could have just bought one someone else made on eBay for like $16, but I like to have things I made myself. Because it's pretty much all I have going for me anymore. And my brother called and told me that a building in the neighborhood that they've been renovating is supposed to have an all vegan store. I'm not sure if that is a grocery store or a lame little boutique shop, but I am looking forward to seeing what that space turns into. I remember in Roch the neighborhood association tried at one point to make our neighborhood the "artist district". That idea lasted about one full meeting and like almost everything else they plotted and bullshitted about, nothing came of it. But, I have more hope for this neighborhood. It has a lot more potential and lot more heart. A vegan anything in Iowa is pretty radical. I'm still amazed at how acceptable it has become in modern life. I remember when I became veggie back in high school in the early 1990s and there was just me and two other girls in a school of over 3,000 people that were veggie. At least that I knew of. That sort of gossip really got around at the time. There wasn't all this on the shelf fake meat and dairy substitutes and restaurants sure didn't have anything to offer, either. I am really interested to see if it is a grocery store in the neighborhood, what they will choose to carry. BTW, I don't usually eat the fake meat. All the non-organic wheat and gums and methylcellulose usually makes me ill for a few days. Reminds of a shirt I saw once. It read "I'm Vegan. I poop at least 3 times a day" But the poop was pictures of T.P. Rolls. Weird. But sort of true. 1:23 PM - Monday, Jan. 31, 2022 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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