----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- waiting for me to do it all A few weeks ago I finally was able to get the last batch of things out of the basement from when my parents lived here. Today I cleaned the floor underneath where those things were. Right next to the sewer drain stack that burst right before we moved here and spread sewage all over the floor. All over the floor that my brother never cleaned up or hired anyone to clean up. I have mopped and cleaned repeatedly the areas I could get to from that since we moved in over a year ago. Today, though...one of the most disgusting things ever. I can't believe that I have do to this. That this is my life. That I am here doing work that should have been done YEARS ago. Last time we cleaned the basement we both got sinus infections and had to take antibiotics. I have felt off for at least a week, but my cat took another shit on the floor today so I decided to get over my fear/ procrastination and deeply disinfect the floor. I knew I needed to but I have been so very tired I can't manage to do much in a day. It's so fucking disgusting. Well it's better now, but it was bad. I can't believe how filthy this house was, still is to an extent. And how it seems like all I am ever doing is cleaning and dusting and cleaning and mopping and disinfecting and cleaning. I am sick of being the only one that does anything around here. I am trying really hard not to be pissed off about it, because I know my husband is totally sedated, but fucking shit...when do I get to be mentally ill? When do other people have to take care of me? When do I get to just lie around in bed all day doing nothing and getting away with for years on end? It is no wonder to me why my parents were both so sick. I never, ever want to have so much stuff that I can't clean properly. Maybe I'm a germaphobe and a bit of a clean freak, but it's better than the alternative. I have a shrink appointment the middle of next week. I am interested to see what they prescribe. I am undecided if I will take anything or not. It all depends. I don't know if I want to start messing with drugs right now. Not until I get over my cigarette/ weed detox and can finally say I am not a drinker. Because I am. I totally am. And after cleaning up that horrorshow of a basement YET AGAIN I know exactly why I am. In a way, I am thankful I worked at a hotel for almost a decade. It made me be able to do these horrifyingly disgusting tasks that need to be done but no one else is willing to do. Really. They will just let it sit forever. Waiting for me. To do it. All. 3:49 PM - Friday, Nov. 12, 2021 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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