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fuck your stuff
Had a bad experience with a landscaper yesterday and it just threw my entire system out of whack. My husband pointed out that those kinds of people and people like us are not going to really get along, and I know this is true. But he was a prick. I hope he gets nut cancer.
I am feeling like a big fat psychotic loser. It's a bad cycle. Feeling down, not taking care of myself, making myself feel and look worse, that makes me feel down. Repeat.
I have a shit ton of work to do. I always have a shit ton of work to do. I wish the only responsibilities I had were to find food and a place to sleep like some people I know. How fucked up does someone have to be when they are envious of the bottom dwellers.
I am still in the stage where I would put up with anything in order to have a tiny little bit of affection thrown at me, but I am breaking that cycle. No one will be able to convince me that any good can come out of meth. The few benefits it may have are out of balance to all the harm it does. It's one of those drugs that can fuck up someone's life and they don't ever have to even do the drug. I think that's one of the qualifications of a "hard drug."
I have another meeting with another landscaper in a few hours today. I hope it goes better than yesterday. I didn't hit the bottle, though. I just ate cupcakes and drank too much Bali Blue Moon coffee. My husband calls that variety "magic beans" because it makes you do things all day. Junk food and caffeine isn't really much better than booze, except I've never punched anyone in the face all sugared up on sweets and I've never tried to suffocate someone with a pillow because I had too much coffee. So, there's that.
I feel incredibly guilty about all these plants that are going to die. And at the same time I feel very burdened and pissed off that out of everyone in my family, I am the one that has to deal with this.
Most of the time I feel that just one more thing is going to be the thing that puts in the mental ward for good. Anything. Even just someone giving me a dirty look.
Today I took the metal tub down from the basement ceiling. The one my dad and brothers used to bleed out the bunny rabbits and I turned it into a bird bath. I've put off going near it since I found it down there, but now it's put to a good use and hopefully I can move on from that shit too.
1:07 PM - Thursday, Jun. 03, 2021
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