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sorry for the noise
I used to love music. I used to listen to music all the time. Every chance I got. I've had the cops called on me countless times because of music, either playing it myself through an amp or recorded through the stereo. I used to drive my parents crazy listening to music all night. I was that kid that always had headphones on all the time.
Now I barely listen to music at all. I am so sensitized to noise that music is just that to me now. Just more noise.
I have always liked electronic music. Audio collage like Skinny Puppy or Industrial like NIN or more mellow psychedelic like Brian Eno or even just modern pop music. Most of it's just made on a computer anyway. After living in Minnesota for 20+ years I also got into rap and hip-hop, which I never really enjoyed before. But all of their music is electronic. Beats.
I always remember this film they made us watch in 12th grade Government class. I don't recall what the point of the film was, but in one part there were adult from various different eras having meetings and basically protesting things their children were into. There was one man from the 1950s condemning the evils of Rock N' Roll and he kept saying that the music had no quality, that the lyrics were obscene and all the kids talked about was "the beat, the beat, the beat." He said they were reverting into animals and it was that beat that was corrupting them.
And...now I feel that way. I've been calling what I've been hearing "monkey music". It's like what an ape would create if you sat it in front of a drum machine. I feel so old.
The 24 hour bad news drug dealers across the street are ALWAYS playing their systems in their cars, shaking my house and my nerves. To me it sounds like they listen to the same 3 songs over and over again. As far as I can tell, there are NO lyrics, and no melody. Just loud bass. All the time. The Beat the beat the beat.
I remember in the 90s when they started putting "Bass boost" on cheap walkmans and stereos. Maybe that was a bad idea.
Long story short. I really hate modern music. And now I also hate music I used to enjoy. Maybe I over listened. Or maybe I am old and electronic music is a young person's game. Or maybe I am sick of music made on a computer and I'd like to hear a song with some humanity in it.
I listen to all kinds of music. Really, folk and country and rock and rap and punk and techno....pretty much everything except crooners and ambient. I really can't stand those kinds of music.
I think I am just sensitized to noise. And I've started to relate this beat based noise with bad people doing bad things. I have had Shredders album Great Hits on repeat since I bought it, but the last time I heard it I actually turned it off. It just made me tense. People are so stupid. They care about stupid things. Urban life is bullshit. Maybe I need to hear some Gospel or something.
I am so sensitive to noise I had to go out and buy those headphones they give autistic kids. Kind of like what people wear when they mow a lawn or shoot a gun. I am lucky that I have a small-ish head so I could get one with a cute pattern on it.
It's green with Origami dinosaurs, in case anyone cares.
And I have to wear them pretty often, because calling the cops on people hasn't stopped them. Going over and flipping out on them doesn't stop them. Nothing will stop them. See, everyone gets to make all the noise they want. Except me. When I make noise, they try to drag me away.
I am not going to get into it, but I'll just say that I'm not being over-dramatic. It's just how things have been in the past.
And my husband that has made over 13 albums of music in the "noise" and "glitch" and "electronic a" genres doesn't make any music anymore. Because he is feeling a lot like I am. He can't listen to music anymore. And he can't make music anymore.
Something definitely happened to us. Maybe it was all the flash bombs during the riots or just bad people stressing us out or I don't know.
The last week I have obsessively been making listings for things to sell on eBay. We have been saving money to be able to buy land someday. And I have been over doing it. This hoarded out house is a treasure trove, but it's a lot of work and I am exhausted, but I keep thinking of how bad it is here and I worry how I'm going to make it through this summer without incident.
We have almost $5000 saved, and that's some, but not anywhere near enough. Not even enough for a down payment.
I told him that he has lots of guitars and bass and a piano and maybe we should both sit down and play acoustic like we used to. We used to write all our songs acoustic and then go onto the computer and add beats and noise. Mostly because we were just two people and when you don't have a band, you use a computer.
Even Depeche Mode and Ohgr have always written all songs acoustic before they make them the industrial noise fest they eventually turn into.
He keeps talking about how all his equipment is dragging him down and makes it so he doesn't want to make music. Moving it all 4 times in a year didn't help. So I told him maybe he should simplify and get out the guitar.
I don't know what I'm saying here. I hate modern life. I hate most people. My hair is more white than brown now. Gone from grey all the way to white. I looked at the back of my head yesterday because I was putting my hair up...it's finally long enough to put back in a tail...and I was shocked at how white my hair is.
I am glad I don't listen to this fucking monkey music anymore. What bothers me more, is where was I that I enjoyed it. I see these stupid assholes and I want to be as far away from all that as possible.
I just need some fucking peace.
4:00 PM - Saturday, Mar. 20, 2021
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